Bleeding Love
by DramioneLurver
Summary: Both Mrs Granger and Mrs Malfoy decide that England is too dangerous for their children. Both children rebel only to regret it. Haunted by the memories of what happened before they left for Nice, a chance meeting may make things better. Or worse. DMHG
1. Prologue

A/N: Hey guys, sorry for the long absence on my part. I've been sick for a while, and the docs still don't know what's wrong with me, so I'm pretty much stuck being miserable. This also means I don't have much time for fanfiction, but I've had the beginning this story saved on my flashdrive for a while now and thought I might as well toss it out there to see how people react. So you'll have to tell me what you think! Even though I guess the plot doesn't even start until the first real chapter… maybe, if I'm still up, I'll post the first chappie later tonight!

And, for anybody reading any of my other stories, I'm hoping to work on those later tonight and update soon! You guys rock so much! *hugs* So, enjoy!

Prologue:

Feather dreams of summer drifted across her eyes as she smiled softly, feeling completely relaxed lying down in the green grass. Above her, the blossoming trees sang the last verse of Spring's beloved ballad, their leaves hovering in the air and shielding the bright sun's rays from her body. The joyful sounds of laughter and chatting students glided through the air alongside shrieks and loud splashes from a group gathered at the nearby shore. The Great Lake shone a royal blue under the sun's beating, its calm waters spotted with students enjoying the break from schoolwork.

Every year, for the past four years she had been attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft or Wizardry, this had been her absolute favorite thing to do – nothing. Doing nothing on the Grounds was as close to heaven as she was sure she had ever been. Letting her eyelids lower, she took a deep breath, inviting the scenery invade her senses. The soft rustling of the trees played nature's lullaby, the sweet aroma of the blooming flowers danced along the slight wind that caressed her face, the thousands of thin blades of grass tickled her skin. Yes, this was heaven.

"Hey you," a gentle voice from above interrupted her thoughts.

Her eyes fluttered open, her previous view of the blue sky and luscious trees blocked by his body. Not that she minded.

"Hey yourself," she responded, sitting up and folding in her legs. He sat down beside her and reached out to tuck a few wayward strands of hair behind her ear. She shot him a smile before taking his hands in hers.

"How did I know I would find you out here?" he teased.

"You must be a genius," she remarked. In all reality, he was extremely intelligent. Even before she fell in love with him, she knew that. Even back when they would fight like cats. Since then, of course, things had changed. The two of them had been going steady for months now, much to the surprise of their friends. She remembered when her younger sister told her parents she was in love. Her father had rolled his eyes at her "young foolishness," but her mother had smiled sweetly and got that twinkle in her eyes. At least she understood. She loved him and he loved her.

When she turned her face to look at him, and the sights and sounds she had been soaking in earlier seemed to fade away. Despite the fact that practically the entire school was outside enjoying the nice weather. Well, except the seventh years, who were probably holed up in the library, studying for their N.E.W.T.s. And the fifth years, crammed into the same space preparing for the O.W.L.s.

But one fifth year girl wasn't in the library, or even studying elsewhere for her upcoming exams. High on the ninth floor of the castle, inside the sixth years girls' dormitory, one fifth year sprawled out on the floor. The light from a nearby window spilled into a line in the otherwise dark room, providing the only means by which the Gryffindor girl could read the words penned in the book before her. Clothes littered the unnaturally unmade bed and surrounding floor after being desperately yanked from the open trunk.

Above the happy memories of simple days the fourth year couple were joyfully creating, this Gryffindor girl fought the angry shouts only barely contained in her throat as well as the tears that threatened to fall once again. She had no time to be carefree. She was on a mission.

Ginny knew she shouldn't be reading Hermione's diary. It was private. Reading another girl's diary was rude, invasive. Diaries were held with a sort of sacredness. They were not to be read by others. But it needed to be done. Ginny had to figure it out. She had to find out how everything had gone completely and irrevocably wrong.

She flipped open the worn leather cover.


	2. Chapter 1: Closed Off

A/N: Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed so far! I hope you guys like this next portion! Just so you know, this is Hermione's diary we're reading, so all of this took place the summer before and will go through the school year. And remember, this is a teenage girl's diary, so you may not read about everything, she may discuss a lot of contradicting emotions, who knows! (Any girl out there who writes or wrote in a journal knows what I mean!) Remember to tell me what you think!!

Warning: In the later part of this particular chapter, there is some sensitive stuff, so… if you don't want to go on without knowing what it is, you're welcome to PM me. I just don't want to give away the plot to everyone.

Chapter 1: Closed Off

_Closed off from love_

_I didn't need the pain_

22 June 1996

Well, I guess it's around that time of year again. Again my journal is filled to the very last page and I begin another one, a brand new book, now empty of everything but blank pages waiting to be filled. Hopefully I'll manage to fit this summer and next school year within the pages that are already available and not have to insert more like last year and the year before. By the way, this journal will recount my sixth year of Hogwarts, so it follows the red bound journal from last year.

Anyway, the events of the past couple of weeks still astound me. How could they not? I know Harry is having a hard time with everything, but I think the loss of Sirius hit especially hard. Of course, I still have all my parents and parent figures so I don't actually know how he feels, but I'd like to think I have an idea. I've tried talking to him about it, but Ron kept interrupting. I know he thinks it'll make Harry depressed and clam up, but can't he see that Harry needs to talk about it? He's already depressed and shut down. Still, I do feel bad for making him uncomfortable, even if I am trying to help him out.

The news is full of stories about Voldemort and Harry and Dumbledore and the fight. They'll probably be running stories like that for the rest of the summer, maybe even longer.

The ride home on the Hogwarts Express went by without incident. Mum and Dad picked me up at King's Cross shortly after we arrived. The drive home was filled with questions about my school year. They miss me a lot when I'm gone. Sometimes I feel bad, but I know and they know that Hogwarts is a great opportunity for me.

I wonder if they know about what's going on. I really don't want to tell them… What if they get upset and don't let me go back? But surely the rest of England will not stay forever blind to Voldemort and his Death Eaters. I feel almost responsible for telling my parents exactly what is happening before their very eyes. But I wouldn't want them to worry.

23 June 1996

So, today was my first official day of summer. Mum insists on me waiting at least three days before starting my homework, so she and I unpacked all my things and just relaxed. She told me how the office was doing and how Mrs. Bean's youngest son is walking now. Oh, and supposedly Mrs. Bean might be calling to ask me to babysit.

But something seems to be bothering Mum. Dad, too. They both were giving each other strange looks at supper. I think they're keeping something from me. I'll ask them tomorrow.

24 June 1996

I can't believe it. I got another letter from Victor today. Do you know what he went on and on about? This girl he wants to ask out! He was asking me for advice! What nerve. Two months ago he was talking about how excited he was for me to visit him over the summer, and now he's gushing over some other girl? Am I that forgettable? Or maybe he just never actually felt that way about me. Maybe I was just seen in the 'best friend whose a girl' light. Figures. Just like Thomas. And Will. Gosh, am I doomed to never be liked by guys the way I like them?

Oh, I forgot to ask Mum and Dad about what they're keeping from me. I'll have to remember to do that.

25 June 1996

Today I went out to the cinema with Susan and Michelle and William and his friend Stephen. Michelle and William are still going out, so that was a little awkward, but I had Susan. And Stephen seemed rather nice. And he is kind of nice looking. But, I can't get involved in summer relationships – I'll probably end up spending most of my summer with Ron and Harry, like last year. Though I guess we won't be able to use Sirius' place anymore. I'm not sure how the legal process works with his family and all the Black family possessions now that he's passed away. Perhaps we'll just go to the Burrow. There'll be more room now with Fred and George living out of the house too.

I wonder how Harry's taking things. I've still been getting _The Daily Prophet_, and so far they're still telling the stories about that night at the Ministry and talking about Harry and Professor Dumbledore and, of course, measures to take against the Death Eaters. And then there were claims that Fudge isn't doing all he can and ignored the signs… I wonder, what will happen there? Not sure. Well, my bed beckons.

26 June 1996

Oh my goodness. Horrible news. I was over at Susan's house earlier today – we were talking about school and stuff – and her mum was watching the news broadcast. Evidently, there's been a terrible murder. Amelia Bones was killed by Death Eaters. I'm sure that's what happened. The news reporter said she was a normal woman, but I'm pretty sure she's the same Amelia Bones that I've heard about in the wizarding world. The coincidence otherwise is simply too unbelievable. The murder was awful; I don't even want to go into details. I suppose I'll get the true version of events in tomorrow's _Prophet_. I can't believe the Death Eaters were able to get to her. The prospect is frightening, in the least. The rest of Muggle England will not be blind to Voldemort's actions for long.

Though overall, the day wasn't all bad. See… Stephen called and we talked for a while. Anyways, he's really nice and interesting and fun to talk to. And he asked me to go out with him Friday night. I'm actually excited. Maybe, oh, I don't know. I'll talk to Susan about it. Oh, nice dreams in store tonight!

27 June 1996

I can't believe them! This is so NOT FAIR! They can't do this to me! 'Oh, we want to actually spend some time together as a family, Hermione.' 'We never see you anymore, Hermione.' Stupid, ignorant MUGGLES! They don't understand! The wizarding world is at war! I have to be there for my friends. I want to spend time with them.

My parents don't want me to go to Ron's this summer. At all. They say they'll be able to take me to Diagon Alley and take care of everything. Don't they get that I want to be with my friends? So what if Ron and Harry and I are sixteen? It's not like I'd do anything. Is that what they think of me? I thought I'd proven that I'm responsible. I'm not going to sleep around like some whore. I'm not a _stupid_ teenage girl, just a teenage girl who wants to spend time with my friends.

Susan doesn't understand my pain. Of course, she's upset in my behalf, but I know she's also glad we'll be able to spend more time together. I miss her, too, of course, but… I don't know. I just was really looking forward to going to the Burrow. Though, as Susan said, I guess now I'll have more time to explore this relationship with Stephen. I am looking forward to our date tomorrow night.

28 June 1996

I stubbornly ignored my parents today, which was rather simple since they were at the office most of the day. Things are still bad in the wizarding community, though everyone else doesn't exactly know it yet. They will soon enough.

I haven't heard from either Harry or Ron since returning home, and it's not as if I could send them a letter first. I wouldn't trade Crookshanks for anything, but there are times I yearn for an owl of my own. I still have to tell them I can't go to the Burrow.

Ekkk! Okay, I've been trying to relax by writing, but I'm so apprehensive about my date! Much of my time spent ignoring my parents was filled with getting ready. I lathered my hair in products after straightening it with my mum's straightened. An excellent way to waste hours, by the way. Especially useful as an excuse not to talk to parents. I'm not sure where he's taking me, so I decided on fitted blue jeans, a dark brown tank top thing, and my favorite grey sweatshirt that zips up in the front. Do you think that'll be okay? Susan actually picked it out. She came over an hour or so ago and helped me get ready. Moral support, you know? Anyways, she painted my nails black and managed to persuade me into putting on some make-up junk. You know, just some sparkling silver stuff and shiny lip gloss and mas – Oh my gosh! He's here!

Wow. So, tonight was… well, a lot of fun. I was really nervous at first, especially when he took me to a dance club. I'd never been to one. I mean, there was the Yule Ball, but that's as far as my dancing experience goes. Or did go, before tonight. It was very loud. And crowded. But Stephen seemed familiar and at home with the crowds, so he managed to get us through. We spent most of the night dancing, even though I was embarrassed to try and dance like everyone else was at first. But it felt so freeing. I was able to do whatever I wanted on that dance floor. It was neat. And very, very different. Stephen's a really good dancer. Oh, and he told me he liked my hair. And, he asked me if I wanted to go dancing with him again tomorrow! I told him yes, of course. I can't wait to tell Susan, but it's rather late right now, so I'll call her in the morning.

29 June 1996

Okay, so, start in the morning, Hermione. Yes, that's right. Well, Mum and Dad didn't work today. But I'm still mad at them so I went over to Susan's house and spent most of my Saturday over there. We talked about my date and watched a movie on her VCR and took Susan's younger brothers to the park. We talked about books as Sammy and Zachary played for hours.

When we got back to my house, Susan insisted on picking my outfit again. But evidently, my stuff wasn't good enough for her, because she dragged me across the street to her house. I refused to let her put me into one of her obscenely small skirts or extremely revealing tops, but somehow she did manage to get me into tan leather pants and a red halter top. It felt very strange, but Stephen seemed to like it. We went to that club again. It feels so good to let myself go; I've never done that before. I had a fabulous time. Especially since, well, when we got back to my house, Stephen kissed me. I know it's not like it was my first kiss or anything, and it wasn't amazing or fireworks or violins, but still. I think I can safely say I have good dreams in store for tonight.

30 June 1996

My parents are upset. They're 'worried' about my behavior. Not talking to them, dressing strange, going out at night. They got even more angry when I ignored them again, yelling at me about how I wasn't acting myself. Then the yelling match began. Ending with me storming off to my room and climbing out my window. I listened to them talking to each other in the living room. Mum's upset and Dad was trying to comfort her. They think something's wrong with me. Can't they see I'm just mad that they won't let me see my friends?

Which reminds me. Before the entire explosion with my parents, I got a letter from Harry and Ron. This morning, I woke up with Hedwig waiting at my bedside, two letters attached to her leg. Evidently, Ginny monopolized the use of Pig for her letters to Dean. That leaves only Hedwig for Harry and Ron and I to communicate with. However, Harry found a way for it to work: he sent Hedwig with a letter for Ron and one for me to the Burrow, then Ron attached a letter to me and one back to Harry for Hedwig to bring to my house. See, a triangle of correspondence.

Well, Harry is bored out of his mind with his aunt and uncle. Ron claims that his household is constantly on edge, members of the Order frequently passing through the unofficial new Headquarters. I wrote them both about the generally boring events of my summer so far, informing them that I wouldn't be able to go to the Burrow. Of course, I didn't really tell them specifics about my friends and made it seem like it was my preferred choice to spend time with my parents.

However, getting back to me leaving my house after arguing with Mum and Dad. So, I started walking along the street and found myself heading towards Susan's house. Her dad let me inside and Susan and I retreated to her bedroom. I told her what happened and we talked for a while. Then, I thought up the perfect solution. It was easy to convince Susan to go out dancing with me. We had a great time dressing up; we picked out each other's outfits, so when she pulled out an eight inch long black skirt with two inch slits up the side, a sleeveless button-up white shirt, and a dark green tie to complete the slutty school girl look, I gasped and retaliated with an emerald green strapless dress that tied up like a corset in the back and came halfway down her thigh. After blushing at the outrageously not-us clothing, she gushed over the matching colors. (Oh, let me make a note that all these crazy clothes belong to Sharon, Susan's older sister. She left for New York for the summer and left behind most of her smaller 'clubbing clothes.' Susan's mom works in the fashion design industry, so she doesn't mind. Susan's dad is slightly uncomfortable with his daughter going out in so little clothing, but it's not a habitual practice and his wife always convinces him its okay. My parents have no idea, which is definitely a good thing since they would both have heart attacks). Then she pulled out Sharon's make-up kits. I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable when I got changed into the outfit Susan chose for me. The skirt was incredibly short and there was at least an inch between the top of my skirt and the hem of my shirt. But then I figured, hey, I was going out with a girlfriend, not some guy or anything. And it was only one night. And I was mad at my parents, who evidently thought I was a 'bad girl' anyway. And I wanted to have some fun. So I laughed when Susan dug out some long green stockings and two pairs of black heels: a strappy set for her and a closed-toe pair for me. When we looked in the mirror thirty minutes later, our eyes were outlined with black with dark grey and dark green glittery eye shadow, though her deep scarlet lips contrasted with my bubblegum-pink. Oh, Susan also sprayed some sparkly stuff on her arms and chest and back which, fortunately, I managed to avoid. Overall, we looked rather good. At least, in my opinion we did. Since neither of us drive nor own a car, we asked Susan's mum to take us to the club. After reviewing and praising our attire, she agreed. As much as I enjoyed dancing with Stephen, dancing with Susan was much more fun. We got to do whatever we wanted, completely comfortable acting practically daft out on the floor. And, because we didn't come with a guy, we ended up dancing in many groups and with multiple guys. Sometimes I would feel slightly uncomfortable when one would put his hands on me, but Susan was okay dancing extremely close to these other two guys and they both had their hands running all over her. Besides, I figured my parents wouldn't like it. Okay, and it did feel rather good.

Overall, Susan and I had a magnificent time. We walked home chatting and giggling about the night. She wants to go again tomorrow night.

4 July 1996

Sorry I haven't been writing. Susan and I have been to the club every night this week. My parents look worried whenever I see them, but I don't care. Besides, they've been gone at the office every day this week and I haven't spoken one word to them since Sunday.

Our trips to the club have lasted longer and longer, and I guess today is technically the fifth. But that doesn't really bother me. Well, kind of, but not really. I mean, after all, we have a lot of fun dancing.

I haven't heard from Stephen since Saturday though. In a way, I'm glad of it; these nights I've spent with Susan have really changed me. You know, I haven't even pulled out my school work yet. I'll have to get to that tomorrow. Or maybe Saturday. But on the other hand, I really wish that just once a one-on-one relationship would work out for me.

Maybe I'm just not meant to find love.

5 July

I… I don't know what to do. I didn't, I didn't know. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Then again, I'm supposed to know everything, aren't I? I'm Hermione Granger! Know-it-all of Hogwarts School! And a witch to boot! I should have known, I should have realized. I couldn't stop him, I didn't have my wand. I didn't know what to do. But I should've… Oh, why did I dress like that! It's disgusting, that's what it is. Revolting, horrible, slutty. Slut, that's what he called me. He said he'd seen me dancing with all those guys every night. That's why he didn't call. He asked if… if my outfit, the one I've been wearing to go out dancing with Susan, the one I was wearing tonight, he asked if it was my school uniform. If I was nothing but a whore. He said horrible, horrible things. I thought he was nice, I thought he liked me. I guess I was wrong. I guess I'm not likable. Maybe I really do act like he said. Like a slut and a whore. Dressing in practically nothing, dancing provocatively on the dance floor with so many other guys. I can't believe I did that.

When I saw him at the club, you know I was actually excited? And when he came over – oh, gosh! He's right! – I started dancing real close to him. What a terrible person I am! And I thought, I thought he liked it. He kissed me on the dance floor. I was glad of it. It was more aggressive than the first one. That one was practically friendly in its lack of emotion. But I, I liked his aggressiveness. God, how masochistic of me! When did I become this, this thing? I suppose I deserved it, like he said. I'm dirty, filthy, worthless.

He pulled me out to the alley behind the club, and I went willingly. Willingly! Like some slut. All over him. I didn't realize how angry he was until he pushed me into the wall. I guess I should have known. His eyes were so dark. He started yelling at me. Saying horrible things. I protested at first, but he hit me. He hit me a lot. And yelled. And tore at my clothes. Not that I was wearing much, because I'm a slut. A worthless whore. He told me I probably wanted it, it was probably why I went out with him in the first place. I was crying, but he didn't stop. He kept hurting me. And touching me. I didn't like it, but I couldn't make him stop. I didn't have my wand, I didn't know what to do. So I did nothing. I cried. After he left, I cried some more. It was a good while later that I finally got up. I didn't want to go back inside the club. Where everyone was happy and dancing. Where Susan was having a good time. I didn't want people to look at me. I was covered in dirt, my white shirt torn and browned, my stockings caked in mud from the alley and lined with holes, my skirt ripped up further at the slits. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't call my parents. I couldn't tell Susan. I walked to Will's house. I know he's with Michelle and he and I have that messy history, but we used to be best friends. I knew he would help me. And I was right. His mom works the graveyard shift at the hospital, so no one else was there when he opened the door. He asked what was wrong and I burst out crying. I collapsed on his front porch and I cried. He held me, as I was dressed in scraps and completely filthy, and I cried.

He didn't press anything, but he let me clean up in his bathroom. He gave me a pair of his old sweats and one of his worn over shirts to wear. I'm not sure what he did with Sharon's clothes. Probably threw them away. I hope so. Will, he's so good to me. Despite everything, he walked me home. And I never even spoke to him. I just cried.

6 July

Mum and Dad spilled their other news today. They're worried about everything that's happening in England. I guess some bridge collapsed or something. So we're going to stay in Nice for a while. With Aunt Juliana. We're leaving tomorrow.

I'm glad of it.


	3. Chapter 2 : In Vain

A.N: A big thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed so far! Really, it brightens my dark days to read a review. This chapter is a bit shorter, but I hope you guys will like what happens, seeing as it is a real starting place for the rest of our tale. Again, remember this is Hermione's diary, so every detail will not be described in perfect detail. But then again, that's part of the charm. By the way, I'm currently on the hunt for a beta for this fic, as it has been unbetaed thus far. So if anyone out there is up for the job, feel free to PM me! Oh, and I am glad to report that Hermione's short 'rebel' stage is over! And, on a side note, as tomorrow is my very bestest friend's birthday and I don't think I'll be anywhere near a computer for the next three days, I'm posting early with a great Happy Birthday Vicky!!!

Chapter 2 : In Vain

_Once or twice was enough_

_And it was all in vain_

7 July 1996

The flight wasn't long. Still, I pretended to be asleep. I haven't told my parents what happened, and I don't plan on telling them. Mum let me bring my school work to Aunt Juliana's. Which is good; it'll give me a distraction and keep Mum and Dad and Julie from worrying. I'll be normal Hermione.

I wonder if Hedwig will be able to find me here. If not, Ron and Harry will probably be worried. I could always telephone Harry, but I don't exactly feel like talking to him right now. Or anyone else for that matter.

8 July 1996

Since Mum and Dad aren't working, they have a lot of free time. I wonder if they'll insist we go to church since so many cathedrals are nearby. They took me out to the antique market today. But not even all their pasted smiles and the bright colors and all the people and wonderful things could make me feel better. I tried smiling at times, especially when Aunt Julie had me help her in the kitchen for supper.

Mum and Dad talked about all the fun and relaxing things we could do in Nice. Walking on the beach, strolling through the small streets and their little shops, shopping at the center, eating ice cream. All my favorite things. Like a bunch of first time tourists or something.

9 July 1996

You know what I've decided? Love just isn't for me. And I'm okay with that. I have my friends and family; I don't need one of those cliché, forever romances. Those types of happy relationships are for girls like Lavender and Ginny.

10 July 1996

The weirdest thing happened today. I had gone out after breakfast to roam the streets and shops and avoid another confrontation with my parents when it happened.

I could have sworn I saw Malfoy.

I mean, how many other people have blonde-white hair and pale skin? Okay, so probably more than Malfoy. But still, something inside me whispered 'Look, it's Malfoy' when I saw whoever it was.

Maybe I've gone daft.

11 July 1996

So, I did more homework again today. Mum and Dad tried to pull me outside, but they eventually figured out their efforts were in vain. I just don't want to go out. Everyone else is happy and laughing and smiling. I don't see anything to smile about. The sun is obnoxious and nosy, the ocean's waves deceitfully steady and reliable, the buildings towering in judgment.

I can't even stand the stars anymore.

12 July 1996

I think Mum and Dad have picked up their favorite past time again. In all seriousness, their constant, unrelenting worrying over me is annoying. Yet somehow I can't find it in me to care.

I did more homework today. I couldn't bear to go outside.

13 July 1996

More worrying. Can't they see how worthless it is? Can't they see the dirt, the filth? I know it's all I ever see. Even the sanctuary of the nighttime evades me. My dreams are naught but nightmares. Mocking me, haunting me. I cringe at the sound of music and can't stand the sight of black skirts. All I wear is pajama pants and a t-shirt. I can't even wear sweats.

I still have Will's.

14 July 1996

Mum and Dad and Julie went to church today. I pretended I was sick so I wouldn't have to go. They said they would probably visit Julie's friend Marie for a while Maybe have dinner. I have to make my own. I mostly slept today. The sun was cheery and I didn't like it. I didn't really feel hungry anyways.

15 July 1996

I was just thinking: it's been weeks since I've talked to Harry and Ron. I guess Hedwig couldn't find me. That's fine with me. I wouldn't know what to write to them anyways.

Mum managed to push me out of the house today. She used the bookstore card. To tell the truth, even that didn't sound very appealing, but I didn't want her to know that; then we'd have to have 'a talk.'

But, as we were wandering through the shelves, I could have sworn I saw Malfoy again. Just strolling along the street on the other side of the bookstore window.

16 July 1996

I went outside again today. For the entire day. Dad insisted on going to a bakery for breakfast. I must admit, I do enjoy those pain du chocolat pastries. Occasional visits to Aunt Julie have taught me that much. And how to order two of them in French. Then we all went to the beach. I really didn't feel like swimming, so I sat on the rocks and watched my parents make fools of themselves. Do you know what I realized while watching them? They're still in love.

Anyways, after the beach, Mum insisted on going and looking for some spices or something at the market. Dad convinced her to wait until after lunch, so we went to one of Julie's favorite pasta places. The food was pretty good. I think Mum was surprised to see me eat it all. Pleased, but surprised.

Still, I didn't want to be surrounded by all those people crowded at the market. In desperation, I asked Dad if I could skip the market and get an ice cream. His eyes brightened and he immediately fished me some Euros from his pocket. It was rather amusing, but I didn't tell him that.

The line for my favorite ice cream place – Fenocchio – was long as usual, but I didn't mind. I ended up getting a scoop of the dark chocolate. That always was my favorite.

That's when the strangest part of my day took place. Traditionally, Mum and Dad and I went and ate our ice cream cones at this one fountain I evidently was fascinated by when I was three. Even though I was by myself, that's where I went.

And I saw Malfoy.

Sitting there on the edge of my fountain.

At first, I didn't know what to do. Then I decided I didn't care. So I sat down next to him. Neither of us said anything.

A little while later, Mum and Dad came to fetch me. They knew I'd be at the fountain. I looked to the side when they called my name, and when I turned back to Malfoy, he was gone.

I wonder what he's doing here?

17 July 1996

I couldn't help myself. My mum always said I was much too curious for my own good. I think she's right, see, I spent the morning normal enough: helping Julie with some housework and working on some memorization for Ancient Runes.

But then, after lunch, I did it. I asked Mum and Dad if I could go into town and maybe get an ice cream. They enthusiastically consented, jumping up to offer to accompany me. I'm not sure if I protested too quickly. But they let me go.

Again I walked to Fenocchio and again I stood in the long line. Again I ordered dark chocolate ice cream and again I went to my fountain.

Again he was there.

So I sat down next to him and ate my come in silence. Just as silently, I left an hour later.

18 July 1996

The same thing happened today. I almost look forward to seeing if he'll be there. Maybe one of these times I'll ask why he's in Nice. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.

I think Mum and Dad are making up their own theories on where I go after lunch. When I came back today, Mum asked me if I had a good time with a twinkle in her eye and a slight smile. I'm glad they're not worrying about me anymore at least.

19 July 1996

Today was actually slightly different. I woke up and found a note from my parents by my bed. They decided to go out for the day and left me a good sum of money to use. With Julie away at a friend's house and Mum and Dad doing whatever they were doing, I ended up deciding to eat lunch at a café. Afterwards, I customarily bought my ice cream and walked over to the fountain. He was there again. At first it was silent, like usual; While I ate my ice cream he simply sat there. But the question of why he was in Nice nagged at my brain.

Just as I scraped up the courage and opened my mouth to speak, I heard him ask, "Is that your favorite?"

For a moment, I froze. It was unusual, a change from routine, and his voice shocked me with its lack of malicious, lack of superiority. After a second my mind finally processed his question. I stumbled over answering him with a simple 'yes.' He still hadn't looked at me yet. All those times I saw him, I never found him seeing me. A pause of silence passed before I asked him what his favorite is. He seemed to think about it for a moment. But evidently, it's mint.

Then things fell silent again.

Mum and Dad were in a good mood when they got back from their day out. They really seem to be enjoying themselves. Or, at least, I think they're trying to. They're worried about everything that's happening in England I know. I heard them listening and talking about the news of another murder as I sat up thinking about my strange past couple of days. Things are bad in England.

I just realized I haven't received a copy of the _Prophet_ since coming to Nice. And I haven't gotten letters from Harry or Ron. And I haven't gotten anything from Hogwarts. Though I suppose that could come later. I can't seem to recall when they came last year. That's very peculiar.

20 July 1996

Mum and Dad and Julie went out on the Mediterranean today. Boating, I think. I wasn't really paying attention. They asked me if I wanted to come along, but I told them no. Politely, of course. I did some studying while they were gone and actually pulled out one of my books. Normal books, I mean. Nothing wizarding world related. I used to love reading novels too. Today I sort of stumbled my way through the text I've read a hundred times.

With _Jane Eyre_ not catching my attention, I decided to pay a visit to the bookstore Mum and I went to earlier. It was new, which is why Mum had suggested we go there, and I wasn't exactly sure of the location, but I managed to get there all right. I perused the shelves until I found something that seemed interesting. The storekeeper assured me that _Agnes Grey_ is a good read. It originally caught my interest because the author is sister to the author of _Jane Eyre_. He laughed when I told him that. At least, I think that's what he was chuckling about. My French isn't the best.

During lunch – I returned to the café I went to yesterday – I started reading the novel, and I must admit I find it rather engaging. Upon finishing my sandwich, I continued reading my book as I stood in line for my ice cream. Putting my finger in my place to order, I found myself ordering a scoop of dark chocolate and another cone of mint chocolate. I'm not exactly sure why I ordered another cone – obviously for him – especially since I already had a book to carry in addition to ice cream. I managed to balance everything after a moment, tucking my book between my arm and my body and holding a cone in each hand. I must have looked funny walking down the street.

As always, he didn't turn to look at me as I sat down next to him. But I caught his attention when I stuck the ice cream in front of his face. He startled and looked up at me.

It was the strangest thing. For the moment his eyes met mine, I could sense that something about the boy I had known and hated for the past five years had changed. That first lock of our eyes only lasted for a split second before his gaze narrowed in on the partially melting ice cream cone I held in my hand. A frown claimed his face and surprise filled his eyes before he almost smiled. He didn't have to ask if it was for him. We had a wordless sort of conversation that somehow was simply understood. Though he did mutter his thanks as the cone switched hands. He seemed genuinely grateful. We ate our ice creams in silence before parting.

Maybe I'm not destined to find love with the perfect guy, but perhaps I can unearth an understanding with an enemy.


	4. Chapter 3 : Frozen

A/N: A big thanks to all of my readers and all my reviewers! I just love reading reviews from the people who read my work. It tells me how I'm doing. Well, I hope everyone had a fun, safe holiday and wish everyone a fun, safe ringing in of the new year! May it be a happy and prosperous one for us all! And I hope you all like this next chapter. If you do, or if you don't, I'll give you a cookie and a glass of cider if you tell me!

Chapter 3: Frozen

_Time starts to pass_

_Before you know it you're frozen_

21 July 1996

Today I went with Mum and Dad and Julie to church. For the first time in quite a while. It was okay, I guess. My mind mostly took the time to drift and think about the peculiar situation with Malfoy. Mum and Dad wanted to get ice creams with me afterwards, and I tried to find a way to politely refuse so I could still have my rendezvous with Malfoy after lunch, until I decided to just go along with my parents. I figured that if Malfoy was at the fountain, he would understand when seeing me with my parents. However, walking over to the fountain with our ice creams, I was startled to see no sign whatsoever of Malfoy. I quickly wiped away my frown though when I saw a small folded piece of paper resting on the edge of the fountain where we usually sat. Ever curious, I picked it up. It said: 'beach across the way, sunset - you don't have to come.' I almost smiled as I tucked it away.

For the rest of today, I was wondering why he couldn't meet in the afternoon, why he still wanted to meet up, if he actually wanted to talk or something. Did he look forward to our silent sessions? All I knew was that I grew anxious as the day grew later. Mum noticed, but fortunately she didn't call me on it. I asked Dad if it was okay if I went walking along the beach for a while. With a wave of his hand, I walked out the door.

The sun had barely begun to touch the edge of the horizon as my feet traveled across the rocky shore. Approximating the location of the fountain, I selected a spot and sat down. A few minutes later, I heard approaching footsteps. Still I didn't remove my eyes from the scene before me as he sat down beside me. He didn't offer an apology or excuse for his absence, and I didn't expect him to. But as soon as I knew he was nearby, my body seemed to relax. It's a curious thing – our silence leads to much thought, but it's when I'm sitting with Malfoy that I'm almost able to forget all the bad stuff that haunts me otherwise.

Perhaps it was the familiar presence, perhaps the reminder of a world where my Muggle friends and issues seemed to fade away. I didn't know and I didn't care. I was just happy it went away.

After what must have been an hour later, the sun safely hidden from our view, I finally asked him what he was doing here in Nice. 'Family stuff,' he answered, before asking me. I told him it was the same. I wonder what sort of family issues could have brought Draco Malfoy to Nice, France? I know his father was put in Azkaban mere months ago, but I didn't know much else. Speaking of that night, shouldn't he be mad at me for being there and being a member of the group who fought against his father? I know Harry had been telling me and Ron how Malfoy had been making threats and sending scowls. Now, he and I sat in silent understanding of people we knew nothing about.

It certainly is strange.

22 July 1996

My dreams last night were awful. They usually haunt me, but this time the faces changed. It was my mother scolding me, my father, Harry, Ron, Will. Thrust into the memories upon waking, I spent most of my day sulking and working through a couple chapters of my Arithmetic text. Dad is the one who asked me if I was going to go out for ice cream after lunch. I almost said no, not looking forward to the sun and people and noise. But then I thought of how the simple task of sitting at a fountain could empty my mind of all thought for precious minutes. So I went. I mindlessly bought two ice cream cones and ventured over to our fountain. After taking his mint cone, he gave me a funny look. I think he knew something was different. But I didn't want to talk about it. Not with him, not with anyone.

And amazingly, he didn't push it. He sat there, eating his ice cream, nudging me ever so slightly until I did the same.

See, I just don't know. The future sure is a fickle creature, is she not? I always used to focus on my schooling and my career, but everything seems to have faded now into a black and white picture.

23 July 1996

Today he pushed. Well, not exactly. We were sitting with our ice creams when he asked what happened. No snide remark, no sarcasm. Just 'So what happened?' And the weird part is, I told him. I stared at the building across the street seeing the entire scene before me and told someone what happened. Him, I told him what happened. In a dead, emotionless voice. Like I didn't care, like it didn't matter. He never said anything while I spoke, nor did he comment after I was done. He just sat there.

Then I found out why. A few beats after I had finished, he began to speak. Both of us continued to watch the unmoving living scene in front of us. This time, I listened. He told he how upset he was that his father had been sent to prison. But then his mother started acting different. She would panic about the queerest things. She never told him everything, but from what little she did say and everything else he managed to gather, he was able to guess well enough. Voldemort was upset that his father had failed. No, he was furious. His mother was worried. About his safety and her own. For a couple weeks she frantically rushed around the house while he brooded over his father's captivity. Then she announced that she was taking him out of the country for the rest of the summer. He didn't understand why they were running away. He figured the Dark Lord was on the same side as them, that he wouldn't actually do anything bad. Then something happened. He didn't tell me everything, I know. His voice faltered here in the tale, and he skipped over the actual stimulus. But he found out he was wrong. About Voldemort that is. So he came to Nice, where he thinks his mother must have placed special wards, since no one has found him here.

Is it bad that I wonder what it is that actually happened that changed his mind?

24 July 1996

I spent the day doing laundry and practicing wand movements from my Transfiguration book. I still haven't gotten anything from Hogwarts, so I'll have to hope that the texts I selected last year will be okay. I'm not even sure if we'll end up going to Diagon Alley this year. Maybe I should ask Malfoy if he's received his letter.

Amazingly, it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable today as we ate our brown and green ice creams. Despite the fact that we shared personal information yesterday. Maybe I just don't have enough feeling in me to care anymore. It's like a part of me died that night and marred the rest of me for eternity.

It wasn't exactly silent today either. We shared a casual conversation, full of long pauses, I admit, about Nice. He's been here before with his mother. His favorite thing to do is wander around the market at night, when they have all the tables covered in art and jewelry and other interesting things. His favorite thing to eat is the famous Nice chocolate olives which they sell in practically every chocolate shop. I must admit the chocolate is rather yummy.

Still, everything we said seemed detached to my ears. Like none of it mattered because something had happened to erase the importance of the little things.

25 July 1996

I really want some of Madame Pomfrey's Dreamless Sleep Potion. It certainly would help be sleep at night. My dreams keep haunting me. No matter how hard I try to ignore them, my mind still brings the images up to the surface.

Today as I was waiting in line for our ice creams, I almost panicked. This complete stranger walked by, but for a second my brain identified him as Stephen. He barely even looked like him, but for a split second, it was just enough to freak me out. I calmed down mostly by the time I reached the fountain, but I guess I still looked frantic or bothered, because Malfoy gave me a questioning look. I just shook my head and he let it go. We talked about Nice again. The ocean, the shops, the restaurants. It was a safe subject. Even if it was spoken in emotionless tones.

26 July 1996

Mum and Dad talked to me today. I let them. They were telling me how happy they are that I seem to be okay with the stay in Nice, but how they're worried about how little I was talking. I apologized, but didn't do much else to offer as to why I act the way I am. I'm just not ready to tell them. I'm not sure I ever will. But we finally talked a lot of things out, so I'm okay with them. We walked through the market and looked at the flowers and fooled around and actually had a good time. They took me out to lunch and afterwards we all got ice cream. They gave me funny looks when I ordered two, and bugged me about it as we walked to our fountain. I told them it was for a friend of mine, even as I stumbled over the right word to describe our tentative relationship. Friend certainly isn't the best word for it, but I didn't know what else to call it.

Malfoy seemed startled at first when he saw my parents with me, but when I offered him the mint cone, he took it and sat down with us. My parents seemed surprised that I was meeting this boy every day after lunch, and they watched us for a minute as we ate in silence. But then the questions started. My parents asked him his name, if he lived here, why he was here, all sorts of personal questions. I felt embarrassed, but Malfoy answered all their questions. Sometimes he would give me a look or smirk at some question my parents asked, and occasionally I found myself being amused. My parents invited him to join us for dinner, but he said he had somewhere else to be. Dad pushed for another time, and it was decided to have dinner together tomorrow.

On the way home to Julie's house, Mum and Dad kept asking me more questions. I evaded many of their prodding about how Malfoy and I knew each other. Somehow, informing my parents that the boy they both grew to like immediately was the stuck-up, pompous git I hated at school.

I don't know anymore though. With the whole thing about telling him about what happened, I don't think I could go back to despising his guts when we go back to school.

That one will be a toughy to explain to Ron and Harry.

27 July 1996

So, today was our dinner with Malfoy. Julie had a date with some friend of hers, so it was just Mum, Dad, Malfoy, and me. Dad took us to this quaint little restaurant. It was nice and the food was pretty good. The conversation was light and manageable even for me. Dad told a lot of stupid jokes, but Mum laughed her head off anyways. Though I think that might be because of how much wine she had drunk. I'm not sure if Malfoy was smiling at the jokes my dad told, the ridiculousness of them or the foolish actions of my parents.

I think I actually smiled for the first time in a long time.

Anyways, after dinner, Mum and Dad were slightly intoxicated, so when they expressed the desire to walk along the beach, I decided to go home. To my surprise, Malfoy said he'd accompany me home.

Without my parents there, it was different. I was unsure what to say. I felt like I should apologize for their behavior, but ended up saying absolutely nothing. We walked side by side along the streets, me slightly ahead as I guided us to Julie's house. When I stopped, he slid his hands in his pockets. That was the first time that I realized that he was wearing regular clothes. Jeans and a button-down shirt. And I was still wearing my pajama pants and t-shirt. Mum had tried to make me change to go out for dinner, but I refused and she eventually gave up. He muttered a thanks and I told him it was no problem. Then we said good night and I went inside. From my bedroom window I watched him linger outside on the streets, staring up at the stars for nearly fifteen minutes. Then he turned around and left. When he did, I looked up at the stars which I had ignored for weeks. They were twinkling at me. I didn't mind.

28 July 1996

I don't know where Mum and Dad went today. They weren't here when I got out of my room for breakfast. Nor were they here when I decided to go to bed. For some odd reason, I'm knackered. I didn't do anything exhausting or anything, but I'm still tired.

Today was no different than the days before my parents attacked Malfoy with their questions. I got us ice creams, walked to our fountain, and we ate them in calm quiet interspersed with short conversations. We didn't talk about much. Actually, we did talk about food. Our favorite types of food in general, our favorite French dish. Evidently he's a big fan of dessert and pastries.

Actually, I don't know where Julie is either. She was here before I left to go see Malfoy, but she wasn't home for dinner. She left me a note. But didn't say where she was going.

29 July 2996

I spent most of the day at hospital. Julie called early this morning. That's where she went. They were hoping not to tell me, that things would turn out better and they could tell me then. Aren't I old enough to know when my parents are at hospital? They didn't want me to worry. That's what Dad said. When I finally got to see him.

Evidently, the night that we all went out to dinner, something happened to Mum and Dad. They refused to tell me, but I eavesdropped as Julie and Dad talked about it. Dad kept saying he didn't know what to do, how it was all so sudden and confusing. There was a man, he did something. Dad tried to make him go away. Mum called for help, but help came too late. Both Mum and Dad were pushed into the street. The car couldn't see them. All I know is Dad broke his leg and a few ribs and Mum hit her head on the concrete. She's still in a coma.

They wanted to come to England to get away from all the bad things happening there. From Voldemort and his Death Eaters. But it wasn't the Death Eaters that ended up hurting them. It was Muggles. A regular person in a regular car.

Whoever that man was, I hate him. I want to know why he was there, what he did to my parents.

Oh gosh, I just pray my Mum will be okay.

30 July 1996

Mum is still in a coma. I sat by her side for hours today. Finally Julie forced me to leave. So I visited Dad. He asked how I was doing and I just stared at his cast. I muttered fine. I couldn't function. Dad called for Julie and he must have told her to have me go outside and meet Malfoy, because she then led me out and suggested I made my daily visit to 'that boy.' I didn't want to go, but my feet moved for me. I blindly walked through the streets of Nice. The man working at the ice cream place recognized me and got the two cones I didn't ask for. I fumbled getting out my money. When I reached the fountain and sat down, I held my cone in front of me, not talking, not eating. After a moment, Malfoy said, 'You weren't here yesterday.' I told him that, yes, I wasn't. He told me I wasn't eating my ice cream, and I told him, yes, I wasn't. He told me something was wrong, and I told him, yes, it was.

I think he was waiting for me to explain. He sat in silence. I was staring at the sidewalk beneath my feet and for once I think he was staring at me. He didn't ask, but after a moment I told him. In that dead voice. He didn't say anything afterwards, and I left. I went back to the hospital, but Julie wouldn't let me in. She took me home.

31 July 1996

Today was Harry's birthday. I wonder if he's with Ron at the Burrow yet. Probably. I wonder if they've thought about me. I wonder if they've forgotten me. Or at least the fact that I'm not there. I almost wish that I could tell Harry 'Happy Birthday,' but it would probably be awkward. And mostly silence.

I wonder if he'll be happy today. It's not a happy day. Not for me. Julie visited Mum and Dad this morning, but I slept through most of the morning anyway. Julie came back in time to make me lunch. I wasn't hungry, but she wouldn't let me leave the table until I had eaten a little. It was tasteless waste in my mouth. When she cleared off the table, I was still sitting there. She suggested I go get an ice cream, like usual. So I did. This time I actually vocalized my order. And Malfoy didn't need to nudge me to eat my ice cream before it melted.

There was a question in his eyes as he took the ice cream from me. I nodded once and looked away in response. There were no casual conversations about random topics as we licked our ice cream that slowly melted in the humidity. But when I finished my cone, he offered to go with me to visit them.

I was surprised for a moment before I let the emotion slip away. I accepted quietly before standing and leading the way to the hospital. The entire trip was silent. When we walked into my dad's room, his eyes lit up. He was happy to see us, both of us. Malfoy asked how he was doing and they talked for a couple minutes. Then I inquired about Mum and the room was overwhelmingly silent. Silence seems to be my only faithful companion. When all else fails, I can rely on silence.

The doctor isn't sure when she'll wake up. Dad was about to say 'if,' but he caught himself. 'If.' That can't happen. I refuse to let that happen. Dad had Malfoy walk me home. It's strange to hear my Dad and Malfoy converse, because Dad calls him Draco. How alien a concept. Most fortunately for Malfoy, they never discuss me, so he doesn't have to worry about calling me Hermione instead of Granger. I wonder which way he thinks of me? As Granger? Or as Hermione? I know he's still Malfoy in my mind.

1 August 1996

I need Mum to wake up. I need her to. What am I supposed to do if I don't have my mother? Who is going to be there for me to talk to? To help me plan my wedding to the un-love of my life? To hug me at graduation and tell me she's proud? I need her.

I was reading some books today about people who fall into a coma. They say that the longer they stay unconscious, the lower their chance of ever waking up gets. It's already been five days.

2 August 1996

Julie and I came to visit again today. Malfoy was there already. He and Dad were talking. I don't know what about. He left soon after I got there and didn't say anything to me. I stayed with Dad for hours. I didn't even notice it was past my usual lunch time when Malfoy walked in the door with a bag of chocolate olives in his hands. And some green grapes which he gave to Dad. But then he sat down next to me and offered me some of the chocolates. They weren't ice cream, but I knew what they meant.

3 August 1996

I don't know if happy is the word, since even with the good news I'm not sure if I'm capable of feeling happy, but I am glad. Mum finally woke up. I almost cried. I did cry, just without the tears. I think all the tears I had left me weeks ago. But she's awake. She's awake.

5 August 1996

Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I fell asleep in the waiting room. So much for good news. Mum had to stay at hospital after all. They ran some tests because one of the doctors thought he noticed something while they were testing her after the accident. He was right.

My mum is sick. She has lung cancer. The doctors actually gave us a different name, but its long and I don't remember how to spell it. It's called BAC or something. But… it's bad. I guess there's a tumor inside her the size of a golf ball. The doctors say that they can get it out with surgery. Lobectomy? Yeah, I think that's it. She's going in tomorrow morning. Mum and Dad are worried. I have no idea what to be.

I just got my mum back from a coma. I can't lose her again to lung cancer. She's doesn't even smoke! Isn't that what's supposed to cause lung cancer? No smoking, no punishment, right? Guess not.

A/N: So…? What are you thinking?


	5. Chapter 4: First Time

A/N: A huge thank you to all of my readers and reviewers! It's just wonderful to know what people think about what I write – then I can do it better! On a side note, I have to tell everyone that this happens to be my absolute favorite chapter. I hope you all like it too! If you do, or if you don't, please tell me. It can be a birthday present to me, hehe! 

Chapter 4: First Time

_But something happened_

_For the very first time with you_

6 August 1996

I couldn't stand it. I kept pacing when Mum went in. Dad's got permission from the doctor to leave this morning, but he's still here because Mum is in surgery. She had to stay in ICU after getting out of the actual procedure.

Malfoy came around in the late morning. Strangely enough, it was comforting to have him there. Dad wanted to hold my hand, but I couldn't stand the physical contact. I know that's horrible – he's my dad. But still, I haven't been able to touch people since that night. I knew Malfoy wouldn't try to comfort me physically. That's not how our relationship of sorts works. He just sat by my side, not talking. I guess he knew and understood that I couldn't talk about trivial things when my world was upside down.

I'm at the hospital still. I brought you because I knew I might stay here for the night. Amazingly, Malfoy is still here too. He left twice, to bring Dad and Julie and me lunch and dinner. But he's still sitting there, next to me, communicating with looks and gestures and facial expressions. He's talked to Dad and Julie a couple times though. I think they were thanking him for being there for me. If only they knew the irony! But nevertheless, I really am grateful he's here. Even if he does keep shooting you curious looks.

7 August 1996

Mum's okay. Well, she's still in the recovery process, and will be for a while, but she got through the surgery okay. I almost cried when I went in to see her. Despite my professed dislike for physical contact, I really wanted to do nothing less than give her a big hug. But I couldn't. She has all these tubes and machines monitoring her and everything. So I held her hand and cried for what must have been the first time since that night. When I came out and Dad went in to see and talk to her, he gave me a quick, tight hug. It only made me cry harder.

Julie had gone to get something for lunch, so it was just me and Malfoy out in the waiting room. He was sitting in his chair when I walked in and immediately his head swung up. His eyes caught mine and I couldn't look away.

I didn't cry when I told him about the night Stephen raped me. I didn't cry when I told him that my parents were in an accident. But when he stood up and enveloped me in his arms after we found out my mum was going to be okay, I cried like a baby. And I let him hold me. It felt good. It felt right.

8 August 1996

The doctors told us that Mum will probably have to stay at hospital for about a week. Dad wanted to stay but insisted I get some sleep, so Julie took me home late last night. I asked Malfoy if he needed to get back to his mother, but he just looked away and shook his head. Though he initially declined when Julie offered to take him home, he eventually conceded to a drive into town. It felt almost wrong to leave him in the middle of the street in the middle of the night, and Aunt Julie must have felt the same. She invited him to sleep on her couch for the night. Though he looked slightly uncomfortable, she managed to coerce him into agreeing. Strangely enough, it didn't feel weird; it felt comforting.

Julie made us breakfast this morning and left us alone for a while when she went to go get Dad from the hospital. She argued with him on the phone for a while before he finally gave in to getting some sleep. Julie is going to spend the morning with Mum and I decided to spend some time with her in the afternoon. Then we could all pay another visit before nightfall. Malfoy offered to come with me on my trip. He keeps surprising me.

Like earlier today, when we had gone wandering around the town. Julie shooed us out of the house as she left, taking her keys with her and commanding we spend some time outside. So we walked through the streets and ended up rather close to the ice cream place. Though it was no where near to lunch time, Malfoy suggested we get some and pulled me in line. As we waited, he started striking up conversation. He asked me if I ever got anything other than dark chocolate and didn't believe me when I protested that I did, occasionally. Then came the quiz of all the different ice cream flavors this particular place offered and how many I've tried. I admit, I haven't tried many, but I know what I want, so why change? Upon finding this out, he insisted I try the rose flavored ice cream, promising I could pick his. It was ridiculous, but a lot of fun. I chose the tomato-basil flavor for him but to my disappointment he took it in stride, simply shrugging. For a change, we started eating our ice creams in the square, and never really got any further, as he insisted on watching me taste mine. It certainly is the strangest thing to smell roses and eat ice cream flavored like perfume at the same time. Yet, there was something pleasant about the taste. Interesting, but pleasant. Meanwhile, I caught a grimace on his face as he licked his, and laughed out loud, calling him on it. When I did, he claimed it didn't taste like ice cream was supposed to taste. It wasn't sweet and sugary enough apparently. He persuaded me into trying it, and I ended up agreeing, but didn't want to admit that to him. So I pretended I liked it and he made some comment. It was fun.

How weird is that? I had fun with Draco Malfoy. And smiled. And laughed.

Later, we went and visited Mum. She was asleep when we first got there, but woke up twenty minutes later. I practically dragged Malfoy inside with me, not bothering to listen to his protests about not being family. Mum looks good. Tired, and tied up in tubes, but good. We talked for a while. Then I noticed she was starting to let her eyes flutter and looked even more tired. So we let her rest. Malfoy walked me home. I asked him if his mum would be worried about him being gone and again all he said was no. Tomorrow I'm going to have to convince him to tell me the truth.

9 August 1996

Okay, so, I talked to Malfoy just now. He visited Mum in the morning when Dad was there and told Dad to tell me that he couldn't make it after lunch. I was surprised, but not bothered. And again I was surprised when Julie told me that he was at the door around twilight. He shuffled his feet for a moment before asking if I wanted to walk for a while with him. We found a bench to sit on amidst some trees and he started to talk. I didn't question him about it or even bring it up, he just began telling me. He filled in the holes of the story he told me earlier.

His father, along with the other Death Eaters held in Azkaban, escaped when the Dementors willingly joined Voldemort. When he came home, Malfoy heard his mum and dad arguing in the other room. His dad was yelling that the assignment the Dark Lord had planned for Malfoy should be adhered to, not disobeyed. In response, his mum cried that she did not want her son to die. They fought for hours according to Malfoy, about whether he should get a choice, about whether it was too dangerous, about what was happening in the world. When a loud crack announced the presence of another wizard, Malfoy heard the cold voice of Voldemort himself. After hearing his mother plead with her master, he listened and sat there as he heard the two words that shattered his life. His father's scream matched the one inside his head that he knew could not escape his mouth. The cold, uncaring demand that Lucius Malfoy bring himself and his son to the designated meeting place the following day for the initiation sounded through the room before Voldemort disappeared with another loud crack. Then, Malfoy stumbled into the room that held his broken father and the body of his dead mother. He knew that they truly did love each other and him, no matter how they sometimes acted. He had never seen his father so low in his entire life, accustomed to the shield of superiority even in the privacy of home. Lucius looked up at his son and told him that his mother was right after all. He told him to run, go where his mother had already set up for him to hide. So he did. And now he's here. About a week after arriving in Nice, his father was supposed to meet him. He never came.

I was shocked to hear his account. I wanted to comfort him somehow, but I didn't know what to do. Foolishly, I asked him how he could go on by himself. He merely shrugged. After a period of us sitting there in silence, he offered to walk me home. When we got back to Julie's house, I didn't know what to do. He simply turned around and walked away, leaving me to stand there and watch him retreat to where ever he was staying all alone.

11 August 1996

Most of my time is spent in the waiting room. The doctors say she needs a lot of rest so she can't have people visiting her all the time. She's getting much better. I've also been working on homework these past couple of days. Malfoy found out and made fun of me for being a bookworm. I asked him about the owl situation, and he hasn't gotten his O.W.L.s or Hogwarts letter either. He thinks it might be because of some spell his mum cast while planning to hide in Nice.

Malfoy and I have been talking a lot these past couple days too. How much we regret bits and pieces of the past. How the future looks so dim at times. I told him the story of Will. And then he asked me about Victor. What is it with guys and their Krum obsessions? Julie and Dad like having him around, I think. I haven't told them that he's here without a guardian because I think they'd have a panic attack and fret over him. Then he'd get all red and embarrassed. It would be almost funny, but it's his decision, his secret to share.

We have a new ritual. Every afternoon, he comes by my house and picks me up and we go get in line at Fenocchio. He picks a flavor for me to try, and I pick a flavor for him to try. Then we comment on our choices and try each other's cones in the square. It's fun. Then he walks me back home and chats with Dad and Julie for a while before leaving. I have no idea where he goes or what he does when he's not with us.

He also came to church with Julie and me today. Dad was with Mum at the hospital; he said he didn't want to have to worry about crowds of people at the cathedral. I think he's doing okay with his crutches and everything. I know he's still in pain. He takes pills a lot. After all, broken ribs take a long while to heal completely. But I think he'll be okay. If nothing else than for Mum.

12 August 1996

Mum got to leave the hospital today. We had a celebration of sorts. Mainly a collection of those supplies Malfoy and I picked up for Julie became some of her fabulous dishes. Dad ordered me to tell Malfoy to come over for dinner when I went to go experiment with some more ice cream flavors with him after lunch. The five of us had a good time. Then Mum declared she was tired and Dad decided he ought to get going to bed too. Julie started cleaning up dinner and refused to let Malfoy or me help. So he suggested we go for a walk on the beach. It was nice. We just talked. About nothing important, scanning anything and everything for our topics. He's so strange at times. For example, we were just strolling along when he suddenly grabs my arm and stops, pulling me to the ground as he lays on his back. I laid down by his side and listened as he instructed me to look up at the stars. We simply sat there in adoration of the heavens for the longest time. When my eyelids began to droop, we finally got back up and he walked me home.

I think, and I hope I'm not being too presumptuous, but I think we're friends now. I kind of actually like him, you know? Underneath everything I thought was Draco Malfoy, I'm seeing someone who I can actually call a friend.

13 August 1996

Today Julie decided would be a good day to catch up on the house cleaning. So I spent the morning dusting and vacuuming and doing laundry. Then, when Malfoy came by after lunch, she assigned us to swing by the market on our way home from our ice cream stop. She gave us a gigantic list of things to buy too. Luckily Malfoy knows more French than me, because I don't know how to say all of the names. Even with the prospect of shopping for Julie ahead of us, we had a good time trying the Comte de Nice and Trois Chocolat, which I have officially declared my new favorite of all time.

Going to the market was actually a lot of fun too. We commented about the strange fruits and the peculiar items Aunt Julie included on her forever long list. The sights and smells were as wonderful as my memory recalled, and for the first time this year I let myself remember that. Then, after I filled Malfoy's arms with bags, we continued walking through the flower displays. They are all wonderfully beautiful. Malfoy bought me one. It was almost embarrassing. Mostly because he asked a shopkeeper for a specific one. I think it must have some sort of meaning. I don't know what it is though. Still, it is very pretty, amazingly white, and smells unlike anything my nose has ever come across.

We must have been a sight walking down the street: him with his arms packed with bags while my right hand held a single flower. Overall, I had a great day.

20 August 1996

I know it has been an entire week since I've written, and I apologize. Though really, nothing note-worthy has happened. Mum is getting continually better; she even went out into town today with Dad. They had a dinner date. I'm glad they're happy again.

Things have pretty much fallen into a set routine for me. I help Julie around the house, I study for a bit, I go out with Draco for ice cream, sometimes we go to the market, sometimes I wander through the shops along the street, I help Julie with dinner ( she's teaching me how to make some of her French dishes and it's a lot of fun), sometimes we go to the arts and crafts market, then around sunset Draco comes over and we walk along the beach and talk until it's completely dark and we can properly admire all the twinkling stars.

Oh, yeah. I've decided to start refer to him as Draco from now on. Julie and my parents already do, so I hear it all the time. And I have decided that he's my friend. But it wasn't until today that I decided to call him Draco. And actually, it's because today I heard him call me Hermione. It was kind of weird at first, but I liked it. And if he can call me by my first name, then I can do the same to him.

21 August 1996

Today I talked with Mum and Dad about what's going to happen in ten days' time. They're still worried about me going back to England – things are growing even worse over there – but they know that I need to go back to school. Despite all my protests concerning their health and promises that Draco could probably accompany me, they still want to come with me. And they insisted that I have Draco come over for dinner tomorrow so they can take a shot at convincing him to join our group anyway.

I told him all this when he came by after lunch and we were walking. He rolled his eyes. Then I asked him in all seriousness what he was going to do in ten days. For the first time this summer, I sensed some tension in the air between us. When he didn't say anything, I asked him if he was planning on going back to school at all. He thought about not. He was actually planning on not. I think he's frightened. Of Voldemort, maybe of Dumbledore, maybe of his friends, of judgments people will make. But then he told me he'd go. I just hope things don't change too drastically between us when we get back to school. Though neither of us have any idea about what's going on in the wizarding world, so there will no doubt be stumbling blocks upon our return.

22 August 1996

Tonight we all went to the arts and crafts market. The environment there is simply amazing. There are so many vendors and people and lights and sounds. We watched this one guy make pottery on the wheel. He was good at it, forming the little figures so quick and efficiently. We also admired countless paintings, some which were quite breathtaking and others which were, er, interesting. Oh, I adored these light-up paper lanterns shaped like three-dimensional stars. They were neat. Oh, and Draco bought me something. Julie and Mum and Dad were pouring over some paintings – they have a tradition of always bringing home one painting from where ever we travel, including visits to Aunt Julie – and I had uncharacteristically been struck by some jewelry. Then again, it was rather unusual pieces, so it's not like I was gushing over pink sparkly nonsense. To the contrary, it was a collection of Celtic and Welsh traditional jewelry. The peculiar twists and knots caught my attention and I was fascinated with trying to figure out how they twisted so. Draco noticed and we starting pointing out the neatest or most twisted designs to each other. I think that the shopkeeper found it amusing. She watched us for a while before pointing out a few others.

We had a good time, but one particular necklace she showed us really caught my eye. It was silver, with two dragons hanging from a chain with their tails interlocked. The dragon necklaces had started appearing when she learned of Draco's name. I decided that Draco needed a dragon necklace, and this one was perfect for him. He laughed, thinking I was joking, but I was serious. The shopkeeper teamed up with me against him, and we managed to coerce him into purchasing it.

He then, in return, insisted on buying a necklace for me. I rolled my eyes but kind of liked it when he nit-picked over what to choose. He selected a simple chain holding a round pendant with a captivating design. I think the shopkeeper called it a triskele? She informed us that it was supposed to protect the wearer from magical harm. Draco and I exchanged smiles at the irony, and he declared it mine.

I think I enjoyed it way too much when he put it on for me.

23 August 1996

The days before school starts are flying past. I can't believe September is so soon. Draco and I haven't even finished trying every flavor at Fenocchio's. We still have the mango and the Monaco and the rosemary and the thyme and so many, many others with just no time! Well, I suppose we'll have to come by next summer. Or maybe over break. That would be nice. Oh, but Fenocchio's isn't open during that time of the year, so I guess maybe not. Next summer it will have to be. Then the arts and crafts market will be open too. Maybe I could even convince Harry and Ron to visit Nice after the whole war is over.

I feel guilty. Until just now, I haven't thought about the war or the wizarding world at all in the past weeks. I do wonder how things are going. That – and seeing Harry and Ron again, no matter how awkward it might turn out to be – is one thing I am actually looking forward to upon return to school.

24 August 1996

I finished up the studying I had outlined for my summer today. True, I'm sure this is the longest it has ever taken me to complete my summer studies, but at least I still completed them. Draco walked in on me closing my DADA book and immediately began teasing me. He, of course, hasn't done any studying all summer. Eventually that conversation led to us going to that bookstore that I bought _Agnes Grey_ at (which I truly enjoyed, by the way). We spent some quality time perusing the shelves and watching each other through the lines of books. I managed to persuade Draco into buying a book though, so I consider the mission as a success.

26 August 1996

Uh, sorry I didn't write yesterday. I kind of, well, had a break down. About two weeks ago, I started wearing loose jeans rather than pajama pants all the time, but yesterday I was packing my trunk for school, and I came across my school clothes. Black skirt. White blouse. Tie. It was horrible. I, er, was in bad shape.

That was last night, so Mum or Dad or Julie didn't have to witness it and beg me what was the matter. But when Draco came by in the afternoon today and I was still in bed, he knew that something was wrong. Julie let him come into my room and he saw the school clothes on the floor. He helped me out of bed and told me I better change into fresh clothing, because we had a busy day ahead of us. Practically robotic, I did as he said.

The rest of the afternoon we spent twisting through the small shops and entering every clothing place for women and searching through their items. He managed to get me to laugh at the crazy patterns and the bright, clashing colors and even the skanky tops. And he convinced me to buy a few new things. He told me I wore t-shirts and the same pair of loose jeans way too often, and even though I couldn't technically wear the Muggle clothing at Hogwarts, I could wear them on holiday or while alone in my Common Room or even under my robes. It's amazing how he made me smile so quickly after such a serious bad spell. I owe him so much.

27 August 1996

For the first time in my life, I'm extremely worried about going back to school. Not just nervous or apprehensive, I'm actually worried. I worry about Mum, I worry about the war, I worry about Harry and Ron, I worry about Draco, I worry about how things will be different now that I'm friends with all three of them. I'm not so naïve that I think that nothing will change and everything will be all honky-dory. I just hope it goes over easy. Harry and Ron are both good people. Though Ron does have quite the temper.

It's so easy to forget all that – to forget that school starts in just a few days even – living here in Nice. I'll most definitely miss it. And the town and the shops and the ice cream and the beaches. Julie is so nice to us, all of us, and I'll definitely miss her when leaving for school, too. And Mum and Dad of course. But I won't miss Draco, obviously, since he'll be there with me.

28 August 1996

I finally told Mum today. It kind of just, spit out.

We had a good cry session together.

And… I don't know what else to say.

29 August 1996

Surprisingly enough today wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. Mum wasn't hovering or over-worrisome. Nor did she give me small pity smiles and pat me on the hand in comfort. But after coming back from my after lunch time with Draco, she did give me a smile – a genuine smile – and told me she was proud of me. I guess for moving on, getting over it. Not that I'm exactly over it. I'm not sure that's one of those things people just 'get over.' But, in all reality, I know I'm doing much better. And much is that is due to Mum and Dad and Julie and Draco and Nice in general. I'm not sure if I would have been able to go through staying at home. Seeing Susan and Will and having to answer questions. Nice let me run away and Draco let me share in my own time. Maybe it's because we weren't friends but he still wasn't a stranger, yet there's something inside me that believes that he's the only person who could have possibly done that for me.

30 August 1996

I can't believe tomorrow is our last day in Nice. I'm apprehensive about the new school year, but I'm also disappointed at losing this. I kind of have a routine established, you know? It's nice.

Well, today was actually a little different from routine. Draco insisted we go through all the little souvenir shops. He said it would 'be fun.' And he was right. You can have the greatest time perusing through random objects and looking at postcards. I was thinking about getting one for Harry and Ron before I realized 'Uh, they're leaving for school in two days and it's not likely that the postman would be able to find the Burrow anyway.' Still, it's the thought that counts right? Which is why I bought them chocolate. Those chocolate covered nuts actually. You know, the chocolate olives. The first time I saw those I thought they actually were olives. Or, the first time I remember seeing them, back when I was six. But, back to the point, there's no better way to the affections of my best friends than through their stomachs – especially Ron. I'm sure they'll appreciate it. Or, their taste buds will at least.

Then I also bought Ginny a pretty bracelet thing that I thought she would like. It's colorful and strange in design, which I figured matched her personality.

31 August 1996

We stayed out late tonight, in celebration of our last night in Nice before the sixth year of school. Mum and Dad took me out for breakfast and we had some family time in the morning, exploring the items found in all the shops and spending some time in the ocean. Then, in the afternoon, Draco and I decided to forsake the tradition of trying new flavors to stick with the original dark chocolate and mint. We further spent the afternoon relaxing and spending time in town. In the early evening, we returned to Julie's house and she immediately directed us to her kitchen and had us assist her in preparing dinner. It actually was a lot of fun to cook with Julie and Draco. Julie, of course, is an excellent chef, and while I am not the best myself, Draco has some serious issues. It was very, very amusing. I'm sure if Aunt Julie hadn't intervened every five minutes, our dinner would have been ruined. But she is a miracle worker and everything turned out perfect. We spent the evening at home before Mum and Dad and Draco and I decided to walk along the beach for a while. Julie insisted on getting right to bed after greeting everyone good night, claiming that her uncharacteristically early conclusion of the day was due to exhaustion. Personally, I think she wanted some time to herself. Mum and Dad stayed up on the sidewalk, Dad's leg not feeling up to traveling across the rocks, but Draco and I walked parallel to them closer to the water. We talked about random things, purposely avoiding the subject of things changing at school. We never did get around to it. We gazed at the stars for hours while conversing and didn't even realize how late it had gotten or that my parents had departed back for home for quite a while. When we did get back home, we discovered that it was almost midnight. I offered the couch to him, but he said that all his other things were at the hotel he was staying at and he needed to get back there anyways before morning. But eventually I managed to convince him to stay. I bid him goodnight a few minutes ago. I don't know about him, but I know that I won't be able to sleep for a time yet. I just hope everything goes well tomorrow.


	6. Chapter 5 : Something True

A/N: Sorry for the super long wait! I meant to update earlier, but RL is not being very nice to me at the moment. Anyhow, a big thanks to all of my readers and reviewers for sticking with me! And I hope you all enjoy this next installment. We finally get to see more characters… And, once again, I apologize for any mistakes, as I have not a beta yet. Anyone interested?

Chapter 5: Something True

_My heart melts into the ground_

_Found something true_

1 September 1996

Okay, so starting at the beginning. We all arouse early this morning to catch a flight to London. The flight went smoothly, though I couldn't tell you much else about it since I fell asleep ten minutes after take-off. Mum and Dad accompanied us to King's Cross, and as we approached the station, I grew more and more uneasy. My parents were with me and Draco – whose parents weren't here – and Harry and the Weasleys would no doubt be looking for me. I think Draco shared my nervousness, so as we slid through the wall to platform nine and three-quarters – something my parents still find mind-boggling – he distanced himself from us just slightly enough so that it looked we could have theoretically come as two separate parties.

As I predicted, Ron and Harry and Mrs. Weasley found me after a few mere seconds on the platform (darn my bushy hair) and at once began shooting the questions. I told them how we had been in Nice, I hadn't received any letters, I was fine, I wished Harry a happy birthday, and had presents for him and Ron and Ginny. I got hugged from the aforementioned, along with Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Ron kept inserting his comments on where I was and what they had been doing at the Burrow though Harry kept asking me more and more questions. I noticed Ginny seemed to detach a little, not getting involved in the conversation as much as I would have normally expected. Perhaps she was searching for Dean.

Of course, Harry's demanding questions grew ten fold when he noticed that my parents were talking with Draco. Those questions I conveniently ignored. Not because I was embarrassed of my friendship with Draco, but because I didn't thing it was the best idea to spring that upon my friends alongside everything else. Thankfully, Harry let it slide. Temporarily I'm sure. He never lets anything go.

When Harry and Ron started moving towards the train, I told them I'd say good bye to my parents before joining them. So I ran over to Mum and Dad and they asked how Ron and Harry were doing and we had a short chat before they wished me and Draco luck at school and gave us hugs. As we walked to the train, I asked Draco is this was goodbye. He looked at me and asked if I wanted it to be. Then we were silent as we boarded the train. I went to the right towards Ron and Harry as he turned down the left to find an empty compartment. We saw each other at the prefects' meeting though, and I gave him a small smile, which I got returned. Then I had to walk down the aisles with Ron.

Everything seemed almost back to normal, to how they were before this summer, until it was time to go change into our school uniform. I took one look at the white shirt and tie and black skirt and I almost tossed up my breakfast right then and there. Of course, neither Ron nor Harry noticed anything, but I know it must have shown; I passed Draco in the hallway after changing, tugging my skirt lower and squirming like a bug, and he looked me in the eyes and gave me a sad smile and slight nod. He understood.

I felt uncomfortable the entire rest of the day, especially when someone in the crowd would brush against me or happen to touch my skin. The Sorting Hat sang about acceptance despite differences and rising up together as a whole. I wish Ron and Harry were paying more attention. Well, after dinner was over (English food again is welcoming yet a painful reminder of the blissful weeks in Nice), Ron and I led the first years to our Common Room. From across the Great Hall, I saw Draco doing the same with the Slytherin students. He caught my gaze and we silently said goodnight for the first time in weeks.

Lavender and Parvati have already begun their traditional 'let's talk about everyone else in the school and catch up on the newest gossip' nightly conversations. I wonder if they would discuss my friendship with Draco if they knew about it. But mostly I wonder if our friendship will survive the school year. What if he doesn't want to be my friend when his older friends and earlier connections pop back into his life? I wonder if any of the other Slytherins know about what happened to his mum. And what ended up happening with his dad. Not that that liked the man very much, but for Draco's sake, I do hope he at least discovers his fate.

2 September 1996

Professor McGonagall gave Draco and me our O.W.L. results today! I got Outstandings in everything but DADA, in which I received an Excellent. I was slightly disappointed, a fact which for Ron made fun of me (no surprise there), but in all seriousness I am content with them.

Both Draco and I were called to McGonagall's office at the same time, so I did get to talk to him today. We compared schedules. Evidently we have Advanced Arithmacy and Advanced Potions and Charms together. Well, Advanced Potions was only one period and all sixth years taking the class would therefore have it together. But Charms evidently divides the Slytherins with the Gryffindors again this year. I'm not sure how many students will be in the Advanced Arithmacy though. Surely only a handful.

Even though we talked, it lacked the easiness of our conversations just days ago. Though he did mention my necklace, the one he got me. I still wear it everyday and plan on things staying that way. I noticed he wore his around his neck also.

Still we avoided the question of whether our friends would accept our friendship. I don't even know if he's told his Slytherin pals already. Or if they've abandoned him. Or if he learned about what happened to his father. Or anything really. Tomorrow I will have to ask him.

Today was extremely busy with all the new classes. First day of class and we already have piles of homework!

3 September 1996

Draco still hasn't answered my question. I asked him again today whether we were friends or not. And again he answered with the question of his own. Of course I want to be his friend, how could he wonder?! Well, I suppose I know how he could think that I wouldn't want to associate with him anymore. After all, he's a Slytherin and I'm a Gryffindor. He's a pureblood and I'm a Muggleborn. He's Draco Malfoy, enemy of The Harry Potter, and I'm Hermione Granger, best friend of The Harry Potter.

Though I haven't seen Harry or Ron even speak to or about Draco since school's started. Other than Harry's questions about what my parents were doing talking to him at the station. But there hasn't been a fight yet. I'm not sure if Draco will fight with them if anything starts up. He's not who he used to be. I think that when he saw his mother lie dead and father collapse broken, some part of his soul shattered and died alongside them.

I think I will enjoy all of my classes this year. We have a new potions teacher – Professor Slughorn. Snape transferred to Defense Against the Dark Arts, which in and of itself is a frightening concept. For 'not being a Death Eater,' he sure does seem know a lot about the Dark Side. And not just fighting against it, but being with it. Harry thinks he speaks about the Dark magic as if he loves it like a small child, but I don't think it's that bad. He seems more fascinated by the idea of the Dark magic than its horrifying results.

I don't think I told you yesterday about our first Potions class. Professor Slughorn seems to know what he's talking about, which is always a relief to find in new teachers. Neither Harry nor Ron nor I nor Draco had our textbooks – Harry and Ron because they thought they were not going to be taking the class and Draco and I because neither of us were able to travel to Diagon Alley to purchase our supplies. It was rather embarrassing to tell all my professors that I didn't have any of the required books. But McGonagall understood after I told her I never received my letter, so she allowed me to send an owl to Flourish and Blotts. So hopefully my proper, new books will be arriving soon and I won't have to use the ratted, used copies I'm borrowing now. Harry and Ron did the same thing as I did. Ron keeps complaining that his text is covered in blotches though. But mine seems fine, fortunately; I don't know what I'd do if my book looked like Ron's.

Anyways, it is getting rather late; I stayed up revising my Transfiguration essay due next Monday and want to review some Arithmacy concepts in the library tomorrow before breakfast. Early morning classes do cut into my studying time!

4 September 1996

Hm, it was nice to see Draco all groggy with sleep hair again this morning. He's in my Arithmacy class, you see, and on Wednesdays and Fridays, those are from seven to eight in the morning. I managed to coerce Ernie MacMillian into switching seats with me without causing a problem. There are only about a dozen or so students in the sixth year of Arithmacy anyways, so we all would have been seated close together, but now I sit across the aisle from Draco, who sits by Zabini.

I don't know Zabini very well. Except he and Draco didn't seem to get along very well. To tell the truth, I haven't seen Draco actively interact with any of the Slytherins yet. I wonder how he's adjusting. I feel so bad when I think about it; I always had Harry and Ron to get back to, but all his friends are no doubt connected with the entire mess of his parents. I still haven't asked him about his father yet.

Really, today was a mundane day. Nothing else note-worthy happened. Just Ron being Ron and eating like food is going out of fashion and Harry being Harry and not doing his homework until the night before. I haven't talked much to anyone else. It's still strange to be around people. I still can't stand crowds or physical contact.

5 September 1996

So, I talked to Draco today. After Potions. I lagged behind Harry and Ron with the excuse of going to the library after class and having to find my book that I 'was sure was in my bag somewhere.' Draco is actually really upset over the fact that he has not heard any news about his father. I think he's having a truly difficult time here at Hogwarts. And the worse part is that I don't know how to help. I want to do something, but our conversations lack the open quality they had in Nice. I think he's unsure of how to talk to me. Maybe if I make sure he knows that I really, truly, still want to be his friend, things will be back to normal between us.

Well, not normal exactly. Seeing as normal is probably closer to the first five years we knew each other. But you get what I mean.

6 September

I kind of freaked out again today. I really, really wish I could just control myself. I mean, it was Ron! My best friend since first year! But when he grabbed me arm and turned me around like that, I screamed bloody murder. My mind went into overdrive, flashing scenes from the alley.

It hurts to hear people talking about it. But the worse part was how broken I had been. I don't know what came over me. I shrunk in the corner of the Transfiguration classroom. I think I might have even frightened Professor McGonagall. Everyone was talking, yelling, the noise didn't help. I kept crying, and would cringe whenever anyone tried to touch me. I remember hearing McGonagall tell Harry and Ron to get Madame Pompfrey.

While they were gone, that was when he came. I don't know how he found out, if the gossip train had sped around the castle that fast, and I don't know how long he had been there. McGonagall started to protest when he went to touch me, but her words fell silent as I welcomed his embrace. Only barely did I hear her tell Harry and Ron not to enter the room again. I will have to thank her for that. I think she understood that Harry and Ron didn't know and wouldn't understand how I was able to find comfort in Draco Malfoy's arms when I couldn't stand their touch.

A little while later, after being calmed down by Draco's soft whispering and gentle strokes, I finally managed to pull myself together. McGonagall was sitting at her desk, staring at us. I thanked Draco and in the moment he smiled his small smile at me in return, I felt that same familiar feeling I knew in Nice.

7 September 1996

Yesterday I managed to evade Harry and Ron by retreating to my dormitory straight from the incident in the Transfiguration room and not coming out for the rest of the day. But today I had to come out: my stomach insisted on breakfast, seeing as it missed dinner the night before.

I should have known they would want to know what was going on. They're my best friends and they care about me, of course they want to know what happened when I completely freak like that. I tried to avoid their questions, but they managed to catch me in the corridor. In an empty classroom, I explained to them that some things happened over the summer that I really didn't want to talk about. I think I managed to convince Ron.

But after Ron left for breakfast to appease his stomach, Harry pulled me aside and asked if there was something that still bothered me. I hesitated; I almost told him. But I couldn't do it. So I said that I was fine now. Then he asked me about Draco talking to my parents at the station. At first, I thought that he asked about Draco being the one to comfort me, but then my brain processed the rest of what he was saying. I finally admitted that Draco (of course, I called him Malfoy in front of Harry) had been in Nice and he spent some time with my parents and me.

The look on his face told me all I needed to know. Even knowing I talked to Draco Malfoy civilly evidently marked me with sin in the eyes of Harry Potter. Rationality calmed him down, and he asked more questions about what I did over the summer and how Draco was involved. I knew he was fishing, so I used the 'I'm hungry, can we please forget about this and head to breakfast now' card. Luckily, he couldn't confront me after dinner either, since he started his lessons with Professor Dumbledore today. But I know I have to tell them eventually.

Perhaps this is why Draco doesn't think I want to be friends like how we used to be. Because I haven't told my other friends about us being anything less than enemies. I'll need to talk to Harry and Ron tomorrow. I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to tell them.

8 September 1996

Since today was Sunday, I considered avoiding my best friends by staying in my dormitory all day, but when they sent Lavender up to get me, I knew I couldn't to that without causing a scene that all of Gryffindor would witness. So I came down and acted normal.

Later that day, when Ron was busy playing a game of wizards' chess with Dean (he has become more and more competitive with Dean these days, always challenging him to games of exploding snap or wizards' chess or whatever else he can think of), Harry coerced me into going to the Room of Requirement to sit down and have a talk. The walk there was quiet and nerve-wracking, but I managed to calm down by the time we arrived. The room transformed itself into a modest sized sitting room, complete with a couple of chairs and a couch surrounding a woolen rug. At least it wasn't a shrink's office.

Sitting down, I started my twist of the truth. I told him that when I saw Draco in Nice, I was desperate for anything I knew, and something was different about him. He scoffed at this, and I so wished to silence his remarks with the story that Draco told me, about what really happened to him, about his mother's death and Voldemort's plans and his missing father. But I couldn't; it's not my story to tell. But he turned quiet as I told him about my parents' accident and how Draco came and visited them and comforted me. And then about finding out Mum had cancer and going through her surgery.

Still, after telling him everything, he offered his apologies about what I had to go through and how I had no one there for me and had to resort to Draco and how he understands that it must have been hard. But I don't think he understands that Draco has truly changed, that he's not who he was. He accepts that he was the one that I was able to turn to, but he doesn't accept him as a person. Harry still doesn't trust him, but he trusts me.

Really, it is more than I could have hoped for. But then again, I haven't told Ron yet.

9 September 1996

Classes are going all right. It certainly is more demanding than the previous years. The expectations and difficulty levels in practically every class have risen exponentially. Potions is an enjoyable class now with Professor Slughorn as our mentor instead of Professor Snape. Consequently, Defense Against the Dark Arts now contains an almost depressing factor. It's just that no Gryffindor in Professor Snape's class can do anything remarkable or even satisfactory and receive recognition for it.

I don't believe I have told you about Harry's lessons with Professor Dumbledore yet. Evidently, the Headmaster thinks that Harry should know about the life of Tom Riddle beneath Lord Voldemort. I'm not sure how it's supposed to help, but Dumbledore is brilliant; surely he knows what he's doing.

10 September 1996

I can't believe how horrible of a friend I have been to Draco. I was in the library earlier today, working on my Charms essay due next Thursday, and I heard a group of Slytherins chatting on the other side of the bookshelves. They were talking about my incident last Friday, saying how I was a freak and probably mental or something. It hurt, knowing what they were saying and knowing what was really wrong with me. But then, I heard Draco's voice tell them to stop, that they knew nothing about what they were talking about. Someone else – I think it was Pansy Parkinson actually – asked Draco how he would know and what was wrong with him. I guess he doesn't talk to any of them anymore, not even Crabbe or Goyle, and has changed so that none of them know him anymore. He walked away after that, ignoring their calls for him to come back and answer their questions. Of course, their yells did call over Madame Pince, who threw them out of the library.

He stands up for me in front of his old friends while I lie to mine. I definitely have to talk to him tomorrow.

12 September 1996

Sorry that I didn't write yesterday. We were assigned homework for Astronomy last night and I decided to work on it for a while. Earlier, in Arithmacy, I slipped Draco a note to meet me at the Astronomy Tower one hour past midnight. Professor Sinistra, of course, did not mind me staying up there; I have done it often in the past few years. So, I was alone when Draco arrived, neither Harry nor Ron anxious to stay up any longer than necessary.

At first, it was much like those times in Nice: comfortable silence filled the air. But after a short while, we began to talk. I asked him about his father, but he still hasn't heard anything. Mostly we discussed our classes. But I did tell him I still wanted to be his friend and that he was still important to me. I told him I told Harry and promised to tell Ron soon and he accepted that. Perhaps on my birthday, or the day after. Surely not even Ronald can get angry with his best friend the day after her birthday. Of course, I suppose I'll have to tell Harry the whole truth too. Or maybe not. I'm not sure I want them to know about everything. Yeah, I think I'll just tell Ron what I told Harry.

13 September 1996

Poor Hannah. Today in Herbology, she was pulled out of class and informed her mother was dead. I don't know her very well, but she seemed so grief stricken, I wanted to comfort her. I hear that Eloise Midgen went home, too. Everyone is in panic with what is happening in the war. I'm not sure if I've told you about everything else that happened over the summer. Fudge was sacked, a man named Scrimgeour replaced him as Minister, England is being traumatized by the actions of Voldemort and his Death Eaters, and the wizarding world is in messes.

Now I'm glad that my parents are out of harm's way in France.

Simply a strange thing I've noticed over the past couple of days – Lavender and Pavarti seem to talk about Ron a lot lately. It's most befuddling.

14 September 1996

Today was Saturday. It was also the Quidditch tryouts for Gryffindor. Which, of course, I had to attend. Ron really wanted to be on the team again this year, but to tell the truth, he's not the best player. So I might have just, helped him along a bit. I mean, what are friends for, right? He was acting like such a git, talking about Ron and Ginny like that! Besides, my ear would fall off if I had to listen to Harry complain about McLaggen and how annoying he is after every Quidditch practice, so really, I was doing myself a favor, right? Exactly. And it was amusing to see McLaggen get so upset. And nobody noticed. Except Harry that is. But he doesn't count.

Harry also had detention with Snape tonight. The very first day of classes, he defended himself, understandably, when Professor Snape threw a jinx at him in class. But, of course, with Professor Snape being Professor Snape, and Harry being Harry, Harry got detention. He was actually supposed to serve it last Saturday, but it was pushed off because of Harry's lesson with Professor Dumbledore. I wonder when he'll have another one of those. And what they'll talk about next.

Earlier today, we also visited Hagrid. None of us took his class into N.E.W.T. level (after all, the class was a monstrosity in the first place), and we knew he'd be down because of that. He was, upset that is, but not just because we didn't continue with Care of Magical Creatures; evidently, Aragog is dying. Though I think we managed to cheer him up a bit.


	7. Chapter 6 : Crazy

A/N: Sorry again for the slowness on my part. My life's still a pieces at the moment, but I hope to get some answers soon. Anyhow, here's the next chapter. A big thanks to all my readers and reviewers for being so supportive! I'd love to hear about how you take to this new chapter as well. And again, I apologize for any mistakes. I still lack a beta, so I've only had meself to look through it.

Chapter 6: Crazy

_And everyone's looking round_

_Thinking I'm going crazy_

15 September 1996

Ron is so overjoyed about being on the Quidditch team; I now have no regrets whatsoever for doing what I did. It makes me happy to see him happy.

Overall, today was a normal, uneventful Sunday. I worked in the library, spent some time outside on the Grounds, visited the house elves in the kitchens, and talked with Ginny a while. She's pretty happy with Dean, I think. She said she was happy at least. But everything she said couldn't remove the strange shadow in her eyes. Like she was settling with Dean. Like she had gotten second place. I think she's not quite over her crush on Harry. Except, she does act normal around him now. Maybe it's not Harry then. Maybe someone else. But I don't think it's Dean she really wants to be with.

16 September 1996

Well, today in Potions we had a rather interesting lesson. Professor Slughorn has decided that once a month he will introduce new potions that are more of a N.E.W.T. level. Today he had a cauldron full of Polyjuice Potion. Harry and Ron and I shared a look when we saw it. Professor Slughorn says he usually will bring out a potion more towards the beginning of the month, but – as Harry, Ron, and I know – this particular potion requires a month to make, and Harry tells us that Professor Slughorn only agreed to teach around a month ago. I do wonder what he'll show us next.

Oh, on a joyful note – I got all of my texts today! Harry and Ron got theirs on Saturday, but I think since I had so many, it took slightly longer. Thank Merlin; I no longer have to use second hand books.

17 September 1996

My birthday is in two days and I don't know whether I should be excited or nervous. Right now, I'm somewhat of a mix between the two. As with any other person, an upcoming birthday is always exciting. Especially turning seventeen. Now I'll finally be able to do magic outside of school! Over the summer, I discovered just how much I have grown to depend on magic to fix broken things.

Yeah, well, anyways, I also am nervous since I decided to tell Ron the following day. That will be quite the adventure. I just hope he doesn't explode on me.

On second thought, maybe I'll wait a little longer.

18 September 1996

Tomorrow is my seventeenth birthday, I cannot believe it! How fast time passes us by! Not ever again will I be sixteen years old. In a year, I'll remark to myself how young I was 'back then.' I know it, too, because I already do it! Just earlier today, I was talking with Harry and we laughed about how young we were back in second year, when we made that horrible smelling potion in the girls' lavatory. Funnily enough, it really does seem like so long ago.

Maybe in a few years, this entire business with Draco and Harry and Ron not excepting our friendship will end up the same way. Maybe we'll look back on these times and laugh about how dramatic we turned everything in the entire world.

Harry and Ron are excited for tomorrow, too. It's Gryffindor's first practice. Okay, I lie; Ron is nervous as ever and Harry is apprehensive. I just wish we have a good team this year, for their sakes. Though seriously, it does put a damper on my birthday joy to know that my best friend scheduled practice on my birthday. Maybe it'll give me some time with Draco.

19 September 1996

Today was my birthday. I am now officially seventeen. It's strange. Overall, I had a pretty good day. Harry and Ron did remember my birthday and tackled me with hugs as soon as I came down into the Common Room. Classes went well. It was Thursday, so we had no DADA, and therefore no Snape! Definitely a plus there. Oh, and Professor McGonagall wished me a happy birthday, can you believe it? She knew it was my birthday! Well, maybe that's because Ron and Harry kept shouting it every time we walked into a room. Still, I had a wonderful time.

Oh, and then Harry set up Quidditch practice for the same time I had double Arithmancy, but, of course, I knew it would run a little longer, probably until dinner. So Draco and I took the time to take a walk around the Lake. He wished me a happy birthday and gave me his present then: a bag of chocolate olives. I laughed and we ate them while sitting on the grass beneath a large Willow tree. Then he slid me a wrapped box and told me it was my real birthday present. It was a book, but he must have bought it in Nice, because it was in French. He laughed and told me I had to learn the language now. He knows it will bother me until I do. I wonder if there are any books on other languages in the School Library. I will read it. I told him that, and he just smiled.

Harry and Ron gave me their presents after dinner. Harry got me _The Mysteries of the Magical Past_, a book I've been wanting to read for the longest time about the shady origins of magic and wizards, and Ron gave me a planner charmed to tell the user to relax and do something other than homework. The boys and Ginny all laughed at the joke, no doubt in reflection of those planners I gave both of the boys that one year for Christmas. And Ginny gave me something called a Patented Daydream Charm that she says Fred and George developed. I was looking over it, and blimey, it must have taken a clever bit of magic! Truly, Fred and George must be rather knowledgeable to develop everything they sell at their shop. I don't know how they got so little O.W.L.s. Harry tells me that they've even developed a line of defense products. I have no doubt I'll use that present eventually.

Yes, today was a good day.

20 September 1996

So much for waiting. Today it all kind of exploded. Well, Ron exploded at least. We were all in the Common Room, Harry and Ron were in the middle of a game of exploding snap while I was writing a letter to Victor (I still write him, by the way. Can you believe it? Sometimes I myself cannot believe how ludicrous it is. But he's still my friend, I guess. What's that they say? You can never have too many friends. Yeah, right), when Harry said something about Draco and Ron remarked that he seemed different. Then they started cracking jokes about what might have burst his bubble, saying horrible things about him and his parents. Finally, when one of them added something about his mum and they both burst out laughing, I stood up out of my chair and screamed for them to stop. They both did so, giving me the strangest looks, like they didn't know what was wrong. I told them how they were saying terrible, false, mean things that they had no business joking about. Ron then asked, 'What's it to you?' and I came out and said it. I yelled, 'He's my friend, you heartless' um, yeah. Then I ran up the stairs to the girls' dormitory, where they couldn't reach me.

Let's just say, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

21 September 1996

Oh yes. As expected, today was a tiring day. Harry and Ron bombarded me with questions as soon as they found me. I guess I was slightly cold in my responses, but they still didn't let it go. They demanded what I meant by 'friend,' but I said nothing more to them. I refused to listen to the garbage that escape their mouths and spent most of my Saturday in the library. Still, they found me there. Ron started shouting, asking how I could be friends with such a vile creature and I started yelling back. A group of students gathered around and listened, but I didn't care. I was just mad that my best friends couldn't accept the fact that I was friends with Draco Malfoy. I told them they were stupid and being just as prejudice as they used to criticize Draco of being. They couldn't stand the fact that he's a Slytherin. Oh, scary! What idiots! House divides don't need to divide us – don't they listen to the Sorting Hat year after year? Hear, yes, but listen? Of course not! Not when it means they have to be nice to the green and silver, to Malfoys and Parkinsons and Greengrasses and Zabinis! Not every Slytherin is evil, and if we other students didn't mark them as such starting at eleven years old, maybe there would be much less of the rivalry between the houses. Everyone has potential, don't they understand? Of course they don't. I mean, I didn't accept them either before this summer. But, still. I don't like arguing with Ron and Harry, why do they insist on it? I wish they'd just understand.

22 September 1996

As expected, I spent the entire day ignoring Ron and Harry. In fact, I spent it in my dormitory and went to the kitchens for meals.

Word is spreading like wildfire. Lavender and Parvati were discussing the rumors going around about Harry and Ron and I. About our argument. Some people say the most ridiculous things. It's rather disgusting. Lavender kept bringing up the story that Ron and I were together but then Ron found me with Harry, something to that effect. Seriously, our argument had nothing to do with that! But of course, Parvati immediately dismissed the tale that we were arguing about Draco Malfoy. Curious how those types of things happen. Ignore truth, spread lies. I really don't want to hear what the rest of the castle has to say.

23 September 1996

I'm still ignoring Ron and Harry, and they're still ignoring me. At meals, we sat on opposite ends of the Gryffindor table. Ginny did sit down by me and ask what was wrong, but I told her nothing and before she could insist otherwise, Dean came over and pulled her to Ron and Harry's side of the table.

All the other Houses were staring at us and talking to each other. I caught smidgens of conversations while walking along the halls. Even in class, people I've known for years stare at me ad whisper. I sit near Harry and Ron in Potions class, so that was slightly uncomfortable.

I hope this washes over soon. I couldn't stand acting like this for much longer.

24 September 1996

I talked to Draco today. He thanked me for standing up for him in front of my friends. What else could I do? He's my friend, too. I told him as much. We studied in the library together. His friends don't know yet, but he promises he won't try and keep it from anyone. I wonder how the school will react when the truth is confirmed.

25 September 1996

Oh, Merlin. It all came out of the closet today. At lunch, Draco and Zabini had a row. Their shouting could distinctively be heard throughout the entire Great Hall. They were arguing about me. Evidently, some Slytherin saw Draco and I at the library last night and went reporting. And Slytherins 'aren't allowed to associate with such filth.' Being called filth didn't help the matter. I went spinning back to that night again. Alone on the other side of the table, I started hyperventilating as the Zabini called me names. At that point, Harry and Ron got involved, yelling at Zabini for calling me such things. But I barely noticed. The words kept swirling around me, haunting me with images. Some younger Gryffindor I don't know noticed first. He whispered about how 'that girl' didn't look so good and then heads turned away from the argument towards me. Ernie called out my name. He must have drawn the attention of the arguing boys at the Slytherin table, because not five seconds later, Draco was by my side. He wrapped me in his arms and soothed away my tears. Then everyone was staring at us. But I didn't care. I don't care. Why should what everyone else thinks even play into the equation? I did notice how Harry seemed thoughtful and Ron half-relieved, half-furious. I noticed Ginny, too. She looked curious. Like most of the other students in the room. Except the Slytherins. They all were steaming with rage. McGonagall came over and swept Draco and I aside. She brought us to Dumbledore. He asked us some questions. Questions I really didn't want to answer. So I didn't. Draco spoke for me, but he didn't tell the Headmaster anything extremely personal, nothing about the rape. I think he wants me to tell people about that on my own. And I'm grateful for that. If I do tell anyone, I want them to hear it from me. But I'm just not ready to do that yet. Tell people.

I didn't go to any of my afternoon classes. Draco led me to my Common Room after talking with the Headmaster and we parted ways. I immediately retreated to my dormitory, closing the curtains around my bed.

Now I can hear Lavender and Parvati talking. Well, not exactly. I can hear their whispers, but can't make out the words. Not that I need to hear the words to know they're most likely talking about the same thing the rest of the castle is talking about.

26 September 1996

I think Harry and Ron were actually trying to get my attention today. I didn't let them. I walked away and ignored them. I'm just not ready to listen to them yell at me again. Or ask more questions concerning my episodes.

The dreams started up again. And this morning, I again felt uncomfortable in my school robes. It doesn't help matters that I didn't see much of Draco today. I spent most of my day in my dormitory. It's peculiar – the library used to be my sanctuary, but now too many people can find me there. My only regret of staying in my dormitory instead of the library is the lack of books. And desks to do my homework on. But I find peace and quiet, so I can't complain too much.

27 September 1996

I talked with Harry and Ron today. They caught me after double DADA. It was actually okay. Better than okay. They apologized for ignoring me and not being there for me. They didn't apologize for not accepting my friendship with Draco, nor did they accept it now, or even admit that he's changed. Though they did say it was good of him to comfort me even with the entire school watching. I think Harry must have noticed how much the Slytherins didn't approve. Our friendship isn't back to normal, but it's better. We ate lunch and dinner together. We even studied together. They offered to study with me. Obviously they're trying.

I also talked with Draco. I thanked him for Wednesday. For being there for me in front of everyone. I asked him how things are among his House, and I was right – things aren't going very well. Most of his old friends have abandoned him. They snigger in the corners and go through his things during the day. Nothing extremely mean so far. It's a good thing he's a prefect. He tells me that rounds with Pansy are awkward now. She has this big crush on him, but now she can't like him, because its' currently not allowed among Slytherins. I guess Blaise – Zabini, that is – is the leader of sorts over the sixth years. Declares what they can and cannot do. I never knew they even had one of those, I mean, Gryffindor doesn't… do we? Perhaps I simply never noticed.

28 September 1996

It seems that even though Harry and Ron and I are back to tentative terms, the rest of Gryffindor still doesn't accept my associations with Draco. I sat down next to Harry today at breakfast, and Seamus and Lavender and Pavrati and Dean and even Ginny all picked up their things and retreated to another part of the table. I felt really bad, but then Ron made me feel a little better by making some comment about them being gits anyways.

Still, it certainly doesn't feel good to have practically your entire House against you. I noticed that Draco faces the same situation as I, but he has yet to complain about it. Did the summer really change him that much? I guess it did.

29 September 1996

Sometimes I wish I could somehow communicate with Mom and Dad. But there is no possible way I could do so. Especially while they are living with Julie. Aunt Julie doesn't even know that I'm a witch. She thinks I'm at some other boarding school. But I miss them all so much. Especially now, with everyone but Harry, Ron, and Draco against me. Even Harry and Ron are wary of me - occasionally brushing off time we could spend together, understandably making time for their other friends who used to accept me. I'm sure they still talk about me when I'm not in the room. And don't tell me everything. I know this for fact. Ron practically said it once when I asked how Quidditch practice went and he snarled something like, 'Why do you care? Gonna tell your little Slytherin pal?' Harry reassured me that Ron just didn't do so well during practice, but I knew there was some true behind his words. There always is.

30 September 1996

Sometimes I wonder.

I knew changes were ahead of me, but could this past summer truly have affected my entire life? This entire school year? Well, Draco is my friend now, and I doubt that we ever would have become friends otherwise. How is it that such drastic alterations could occur over such minuscule periods of time? It's amazing and frightening all at once. I mean, who knows what could happen in a mere few months? By the end of the school year? In a year? In five years? A decade, even. When I'm fifty. Will I be old and grey, an old maid all alone? Maybe I'll be one of those short, nice grandmums that chatters on for days and days about her grandkids. Or maybe I'll still be going strong at my work and not be old or grey. Who knows? The future truly is foggy, and no crystal ball will help with that.

31 September 1996

Today was just like every other day has been ever since the castle found out about my friendship with Draco. You know, the thing that bothers me the most is that we're just friends. Why do they care if we're friends with this person or that one? It certainly is none of their business.

It's stupid, that's what it is. Plain foolish. Too much of people's opinions of other people are based on rumors and things they don't know, not on actions and past experiences. Have these people never heard the expression "Never judge a book by its cover?" Some of the best books don't seem that way when you pick them up.

But somehow, people just don't get that. They poke and prod into every aspect of your life and then critique it like some culinary dish they're not sure they want to serve for dinner. But I'm a person! I'm not some fancy named salad or mystery meat!

But still, they insist on doing it. On taking apart me life and judging me on a simple fact which they have wrong.

Draco is a good person.

But no one will let him have a chance.


	8. Chapter 7 : So Loud

A/N: I apologize everyone for my lack of updating. As many of you may know, I've had some health issues lately. And then this past month has been insanely filled with end-of-the-year tests, papers, and projects. But I'm graduating in a couple of weeks! I'm so excited!! And then I'll have some more free time to continue working on this and my other works.

A huge thank you to all who have stuck with me on this one. And to Cat M, whose recent review reminded me to work on this! I am pleased to inform you that thanks to FirstYear, I have decided to add in some Ginny pieces every now and then, so you'll see a bit of that starting with the next chapter. I would have stuck it in here, but this is already my second longest chapter yet! I actually planned on having it go longer, but I cut it off and decided to spilt it differently. Anyhow, I hope you enjoy it! And please tell me if you do!

Chapter 7: So Loud

_Trying hard not to hear_

_But they talk so loud_

1 October 1996

I cannot believe it has only been a month and so much has changed. At least Ron and Harry still talk to me. Somewhat. I mean, our relationship in no way is as easy and carefree and open as it used to be mere weeks, or truly, months ago. Back when I could tell them everything, anything, and they would do the same. But now, I'm glad I never told them about the rape. It would make things harder. It's better with just Draco knowing; I trust that he'll always be there; after all, we're all we had at one point, and in reality, at times I feel like we're still all each other have. Here at school at least. I don't know how I'd manage without seeing him everyday.

2 October 1996

Well, classes are going fine. Though we did just get this huge project in Ancient Runes. And a Charms essay due next Thursday. The best part about the entire castle knowing about my friendship with Draco is the fact that we don't have to hide it anymore. We even study in the library together. He's actually quite intelligent, which is nice for a change. Not that Harry and Ron are stupid, I mean, Harry is the best DADA student of our class. And they both got fairly good O.W.L. results. But, do you understand what I mean? Of course you do.

Anyway, it's nice. I get to talk to Draco and get homework done at the same time. Rather efficient, don't you agree? And we proofread each other's essays and can share library books on particular subjects. Professor Vector also announced an Arithmancy project appearing in the near future that is to be done with partners. I think he's assigning it on Friday. But I may be mistaken. It's just that we have a test in double Arithmancy tomorrow, so Friday would be the ideal time to introduce a project.

I do get lonely at times though. My Common Room feels cold and my housemates distant. I used to be able to talk to them, even if I don't exactly like all of them either.

It was the strangest thing. Today, I had been walking around the grounds alone, Draco occupied with a Transfiguration essay I already completed and Harry and Ron distracted by Quidditch practice. There were other people outside, but no one even bother to acknowledge me, much less offer their company. I suppose they all heard the Hogwarts gossip. Though seriously, who didn't?

Apparently, Luna Lovegood doesn't care about what people say. She is a queer girl, to say the least, and has the most outrageous ideas about some things, babbling on about nonsense and mythical invisible creatures practically nonstop, but she is kind. She talked with me just like she's always talked with me. It felt good, it felt normal. Like before.

3 October 1996

Harry and Ron are playing another game of wizards' chess. It's noisy, but at least it's normal. I yearn for these moments, the ones that feel like the old days. With Harry, with Ron, with Draco.

Nothing particularly exciting or noteworthy happened today. Just the usual. Or what is now the usual.

4 October 1996

I was right! Professor Vector assigned us a project today. We have to research the technique of writing spells, how numbers affect the potency the spell, and how to use certain Arithmancy to determine the general use of the spell. It sounds extremely interesting. Draco and I are paired up of course. We started research in the library today and have plans to continue tomorrow. So far, the results are actually rather fascinating. We have to do a lot of research to find out the origins of the spell itself, so that we use the correct method. Greek, Latin, Arabic, and Hebrew spells need to be analyzed with the corresponding method, of course, or else the information is completely invalid. It's amazing how little people know about the true extent such studies imply. Not many would connect an Advanced Arithmancy class with learning ancient Hebrew, Greek, Latin, and Arabic, now would they? But of course, these studies are necessary.

Well, hours of studying have thoroughly exhausted me; I think it best if I head to bed now.

5 October 1996

Well, today was a rather relaxing day. I went out and watched Ron and Harry practice some flying out in the pitch. They tried to coerce me into grabbing a broomstick myself, but they should know I will never willingly pick up a broom again. What can I say? I guess I'm simply more at home on the ground, thanks. Still, it felt like old times watching the boys swirl around in the air while I read my book. When they finally came down from the air, they were both laughing and red in the face. It was nice to see them so happy. We all went down to the Great Hall together and laughed at Ron's bottomless stomach again. And, when I told them I would be working on my project with Draco after dinner, they didn't make a big deal about it! I think they're starting to adjust. Hopefully things will get better here on out.

Draco was acting slightly strange tonight. He seemed on edge, and refused to tell me what was bothering him. I'm not thick; I know something is wrong. He seemed much more clammed up then usual, as if something major was taking his mind away from the library. Maybe he heard something from his father. I don't know.

6 October 1996

Draco wasn't in either Charms or Potions class today. I wonder why. I looked around at dinner too and didn't see him sitting at the Slytherin table. Though that could be perfectly normal – I don't think I would want to sit with a bunch of people like those Slytherins either.

It must be hard on him. He knew his place in life before all this. He had his friends, his enemies, his goals, everything practically lined up for him. Now, everything's gone to hell in a hand basket. His family is torn apart, he had to run away from the life he knew, he became friends with one of his sworn rivals, he lost every other friend in his life, and he still doesn't know what's happening, much less what's going to happen to him in the future.

He never even got to attend his own mother's funeral. And the worst part has to be: everyone else in this castle doesn't even know.

After all, that's the worst part for me. The fact that everyone else doesn't even know.

7 October 1996

I'm worried about Draco. He wasn't at class today either. Nor did he come to the library and work on our Arithmancy project with me. I wonder if he's sick. Maybe. I wish there were a way for him to contact me. Of course, his housemates would be of no assistance there. Hopefully he'll get better soon.

8 October 1996

Now I'm really worried. Draco still hasn't shown up. I went and asked some of the teachers if he'd been to class yesterday and today, and no one has seen him. No one. I asked Madame Pomfrey and he hasn't been in the Hospital Wing. He would tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't he? Wouldn't somebody know something? If he's not in classes tomorrow, I'm going to ask the Headmaster about it.

11 October 1996

I can't sleep. He still hasn't shown up. Where is he?! Nobody knows, I even asked Professor Dumbledore! He's supposed to know everything, but his eyes grew worried when I asked him about Draco's disappearance two days ago and now the Headmaster hasn't been seen since yesterday at breakfast. I think he's out looking for him. I hope he is. But then again, I hope not. That means Draco truly is missing. That no one at all knows his whereabouts.

Oh, Merlin, I can't do this! I need him back, I need him safe. What if something's happened to him?

Please, let him be safe. Let him be okay. That's all I ask.

12 October 1996

No change. Draco's missing. Something's wrong with the world. Harry and Ron are worried about me. They keep trying to comfort me. I let them, but their arms don't feel right around me. They don't feel the same. They're not his.

I feel so selfish. He could be in danger, he could be hurt, and I whine for myself! I stay awake at night because I don't know where he is and I can't handle it. My gosh, I am selfish. But I can't help it. It hurts not to see him, not to know that I'll see him soon.

13 October 1996

He'll be all right, right? He'll be fine. Perhaps he just had to go do something. Oh, I don't know! Maybe he found a lead on his father. Maybe he wanted some time alone.

He's probably fine, right? Yeah, he's probably safe as houses.

Well, what else happened today? Not much. A lack of classes does no good in my efforts to distract myself from the glaringly obvious absence of Draco. I tried working on the Arithmancy project today, but it was hard. Not the project itself, but the times I would tossed my head up to ask Draco a question or if he remembered the translation for a certain word. Then I'd remember he wasn't there. Then I'd remember why. And then I wouldn't be able to work for a while. So it wasn't a very productive five hours.

14 October 1996

It's been a week now. Even some of the teachers are worried. Especially those who are members of the Order. If something bad has happened to him… I don't know what I'll do. I mean, he's what pulled me back together when I got so lost. I don't think I'm strong enough yet to stand on my own without him to hold me up. I don't know if I'll ever be that strong.

What is worse is that everyone else is talking about him by now too. I don't hear everything that they say, but I do see the strange looks they give me as I walk by in the corridors or while I'm sitting for meals or in the library. Even during class, some of the students my very same year are giving me these looks. I do hear some of the things they say. They speculate on what's happened to Draco. Some say his mother took him out of school. Many are insisting he left to join the Death Eaters. It's horrible that they would say such awful things about him.

Still, I can't help but wonder if Voldemort and his Death Eaters have anything to do with his disappearance. Do any of the Slytherins know anything? I know that some of their parents are Death Eaters. Like his. Or rather, like his were before this summer.

The thing is, I don't know. For once, I just don't know. And this isn't an answer I could find within a dusty tome even if I searched every book and manuscript ever written. It's horrible. I feel so helpless, so powerless. What's the good of being a 'know it all' if you can't answer the questions that really matter?

16 October 1996

Oh Merlin, it's getting worse. My own thoughts betray me. Not even school work can distract my one track mind from thinking about Draco and my helplessness. Which then reminds me about the memory I could never forget.

The nightmares have come back. They're twisting, haunting blends of that night and Draco and darkness and screams. I see… horrible things. I can't describe them. The images terrify me. And they never go away. I close my eyes and they are waiting for me.

18 October 1996

I can't sleep at night anymore. The nightmares have gotten even worse. And Draco isn't here to comfort me. Instead, I see him suffering in my dreams. Every time, he's helpless, lying on the floor with blood and dirt covering his body, with bruises marring his pale skin and pain screaming from his eyes while he pleads with me to help him. But I can't. Sometimes I'm standing as I look down upon his form, and when I reach forward, manacles wrapped around me wrists yank me back. I pull and pull against their hold, but they are strong and cut at my wrists. Tears stream down my face and my vocal chords don't seem to work as I try to speak out and give him some sort of comfort. My silent screams are all that I can answer his whimpering moans with, and I hate whoever did this to us. Other times I'm in that alley, and I see Draco suffer even as I'm being hurt. He wants to help me, but he can't. I want to help him, but I can't. I hate the world at that point. Everyone who didn't listen, who didn't stop the people that did this to us. The screams are so loud; I don't understand how someone couldn't hear it.

But it's even worse when I'm standing there, free of any chains, and calmly walk up to him. When I crouch down and look at him closely, but never say anything, never do anything. When I can see my face in my dream and my expression is blank. When it kills him to see me look so emotionless at the sight of his pain; I can easily perceive that in his eyes. Those times are the worst, because I hate me.

My days are spent walking around in this hollow shell I've become. I don't even bother to raise my hand in class. Sometimes I don't even pay attention. But not paying attention is dangerous; it leads to thoughts, bad thoughts. Thoughts about dark alleys and scarlet stained blonde hair and haunting screams and endless pain. At least in automatic mode, my mind is too busy directing my body what to do and say and write for a foolish Potions essay to think about such things.

It's funny. Well, not funny, I suppose. Nothing is humorous in the world anymore. How can it be? How can people laugh and smile when the entire world has been thrown off its axis? When there is no stupid light at the end of the pointless tunnel? Because their world is just fine, that's why. Everything is honky dory in Ginnyland! In the World of Lavender! In their own little bubbles where everything is just freaking perfect! That's what's even worse. The world hasn't ended; it goes on and everyone else doesn't even hear the change in the music. They don't even care. Because the world still exists when yours is shattered. It pushes on, mocking you with the fact that you must fight for life when your life is over.

But back on my original thought, it's ironic (there, that's a better way to say it) that I think so little of my school work right now. Don't you think? I, Hermione Granger, find school to be pointless, classes endless, homework ridiculous, and teachers annoying. I guess the things I thought were important all just fade away now that something serious has taken over. My gosh, I need to grow up! Thinking not doing homework is the eighth deadly sin! That class ditchers would be sent to the tenth layer of Hell! How stupid. Just like me. He said it all those months ago. In the alley. He was right. My gosh, was he right!

19 October 1996

We went to Hogsmead today. I didn't want to, but Harry and Ron insisted. We had a good time actually. For a while, I was able to pretend. Pretending is good. It keeps all the bad thoughts away.

Sometimes, I almost wish this summer had never happened. Not only that I was never hurt, but also that I hadn't gone to Nice. Then my parents wouldn't have gotten injured. Although we wouldn't have found out about Mum's cancer as soon… it would have had more time to quietly develop. That could have been worse. But other than finding my mother's tumor (it's incredulous that I count the discovery of an incurable disease as a good thing, isn't it?), what good came from this summer? I was violated physically, mentally screwed up, and developed a probably unhealthy dependency on a boy I used to call an enemy. If I hadn't become friends with Draco, I wouldn't care if he was missing. My life at school would be no different from any other year, and I could be me again.

Oh, Merlin. Are you listening to how selfish I am? It's disgusting.

At least I don't actually embrace these thoughts, even though having them is horrible enough. I still miss him and treasure the friendship we found. If I didn't miss him, would there be anyone out there who would? See? Even as I have him to help me, he has me as well.

I'm scared to go to bed, frightened of the nightmares that lie beyond the veil of sleep.

20 October 1996

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. My body aches with weariness, but the nighttime fails to bring its restorative rest. I would do anything for a few hours of dreamless sleep. Perhaps I will go down to the Hospital Wing tomorrow and ask Madame Pomfrey for some. I don't know if she's allowed to do that, but right now, I really don't care.

As foolish and worthless schoolwork is in the long run, at least it provides one of my few distractions. The easiest way for me to fall asleep is to work furiously on all my homework until I collapse from exhaustion. Not that that keeps the nightmares away for long. It also gives me a reason to avoid everyone else. Not that they want me in their midst anyways. Harry and Ron still talk with me and eat with me and spend time with me, but everyone else talks about me behind my back. They have ever since it became known that Draco and I are friends and hasn't stopped simply because he's missing. I know that's what they're saying; Even if their whispers weren't so loud, I'd still recognize that look they give me.

I don't have anymore homework to do. That's why I'm writing so late at night. I finished my homework and don't have enough to exhaust myself to sleep with. Well, except the Arithmancy project. Our Arithmancy project. The one he was supposed to work with me on.

I suppose I could polish off another draft of that Transfiguration essay due this Friday. I might have made a mistake of some sort. Perhaps my books will have some information I skipped over during my last eight drafts.

I just hope we get assigned a lot of homework tomorrow.

21 October 1996

Another day, another block of hours spent without him there except for in my mind. Did you know, the picture's growing blurrier each time I call it? Of course you didn't. You're just a book. But it is. I can't recall the exact way his voice sounds, the right color of his eyes, the every feeling his arms around me evokes. I've started to forget.

I don't know how much longer I can do this, how much long I can walk around in this empty caucus, a shadow of myself. I try to shake it off, but these feelings, these memories, they aren't something you can shake off and move on.

Sometimes I wonder why. Why I was so stupid over the summer, why my short lapse of sanity ended up leading to what occurred that night, why the one guy I happened to meet was the kind of guy that would do that, why I happened to go to the same place Malfoy's mom sent him, why two people in an entire city managed to find each other, why we happened to both be in enough pain to not care about our history, everything. Just, why?

The strangest part is how distinctly I remember despising his guts, hating his hurtful words, abhorring the dreadful manner in which he treated everyone around him. The ultimate spoiled brat with an arrogant, pompous attitude to boot.

I guess the reason we were able to actually get along in the first place in Nice is because we were both so different. I had done something I had never done before, made horrible choices and paid a hefty price, a burden which I still carry that has morphed who I am into someone I don't even recognize. I still don't know the length to which he suffered over the summer. His thoughts, his actions, how he spent his time when I didn't see him. I don't know how long he had wandered the streets of Nice before I saw him, how long he had been without a mother when he told me about her death, how long he had waited for the rescuing return of a father before giving up hope. I suppose that he had become so empty by the time that we started talking that he couldn't care about anything, not even how he was talking to the very person he mocked and hated at school, a Mudblood and friend of Harry Potter. If it had been Harry who had been forced to go to Nice, who had happened to see Draco Malfoy while in the city, I can't help but wonder if even they would have gotten along. It's just, so different when in the normal world – Muggle world – the only world I used to know. My normal world has now become the strange one. How time can change even the most reliable labels. Hatred, normality, friendship, confusion, vitality, veracity. Nothing can escape the power of time. I suppose change is the one thing which we can ever count on for staying the same.

22 October 1996

It's nice to think so philosophically. The ponderings which occupy my mind are a welcome distraction from the world around me, the world I cannot handle. It's easier to dwell on the subjects of the past, the retrospective study of choices and outcomes, than worry about the present or dream about the future. Other than the occasional attack of nostalgia, the past offers facts that are indisputable. The future is so foggy, so concealed by the need for choices yet to come and reactions yet to measure. The present involves a question with every move, the unknown response of every word and action lingering beyond the now. The past is a reliable friend, never changing, never faltering, outlined by sturdy facts and stable chains of cause and effect. They say that only through learning the mistakes of history can we escape the curse of repeating it. I suppose there is no better way to estimate the reactions of the future than by applying the reactions of the past.

But does this mean that change is insignificant? That no matter how we change ourselves, the outcomes of our actions are doomed to inevitably be the same? I cannot believe that.

I have to believe that Draco will return. I have to.

23 October 1996

I've gotten better. Slightly. I guess it would be more correct to say that I've learned to deal better. I shake off the nightmares as best as I can, I keep my thoughts focused on the curriculum of my classes, stuff my free time with studying and Harry and Ron, and strive to stop my brain from making connections that remind me of him. It's still hard though. But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I'm trying to pretend. I'm trying to revert back to the mindset of the days before my life became so twisted. To make believe that I'm still living in that time period when I wouldn't care about his absence, when the nightmares wouldn't exist, when I could be diligently working on my schoolwork without other subjects stealing my attention, like worrying about the safety of people I can about.

But the nightmares are still there, my thoughts still wander, and no matter how hard I try… I care.

24 October 1996

I'm such a fool, thinking it would make it better. Now everything is even worse. I don't know why I thought I could make it better, run and simply pretend reality away. Like pretending is even close to reality.

The worse part is that it is – it was. It felt real. I cried tears that seemed real and heard his voice that seemed real and touched his hand and hair that seemed so real. He was back and that seemed real. We talked and cried and were together and that seemed real. Then it wasn't. It wasn't real. But I wanted it to be. Oh, how I wanted it. If reality is this painful, I don't care if my imaginary world is one of lies and illusions; they're lies and illusions that make me happy, and that's all I want. I want to be happy. I want to see him again. I need it.

As much as I hate myself for using that stupid charm, and Ginny in part for giving it to me despite the fact I know that is completely irrational, I also treasure the memories – though some part of my mind knows they are fake – of seeing him again and hearing his voice. It hurts to know it's not true, to remember reality and the harshness of the world, but the temporary joy… the memory of that joy…

It felt so real. So real.

25 October 1996

Keep believing, keep believing. That's my mantra.

It's hard. During class, walking in the hallways, while doing my homework, my mind drifts at times. It's not easy to keep believing. It seems that I'm stuck waiting for something that'll never come. If he were safe, how could he stay away for so long and not tell me anything? I feel that something awful must have happened to him for his disappearance to even take place, so how can I imagine that he'll just waltz back into the castle one day, as if nothing had ever happened? That's what I want. I just want him to be here again, to be safe. I need to know. I can hope that he'll return, but can I maintain the faith that he will come back? I've never realized how different hope and faith were until now.

Harry and Ron are still being very supportive of me. They never bring up the topic of Draco. There have been a few times that I've seen it in their eyes that they were discussing the matter between themselves before I entered the conversation. Everyone's still talking about it. More whispers, less often, not as public, but they talk about it. Some people have forgotten, wiped his absence away from their mind just as fast as he disappeared. Lavender and Parvati have moved on to other subjects to gossip about. I suppose they're a good a measure as any for the topics discussed in huddled circles and shadow corners and in the safety of the girl's loo.

But I haven't forgotten. Even if he never returns, I'll never forget.

But that's a useless thing to say, because he will return. Right?

He has to.


End file.
